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Registered User
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Location: London
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Anjaani -
13th January 2009, 05:19 PM
Shayri ki duniya mein maine abhi pehle hi kuchh kadam rakhe hain; is mehfil mein kuchh aise fankaar hain jo shayri ko bahut achhe se samajhte hain aur apne lafzon se piro kar ghazalon ke haar pirote hain. Is mehfil mein abde sehme hue main apni pehli koshish rakh rahi huun, guzarish hai aap sab se ke isse zaroor pade aur mujhe bataaye ke main kaise aap sab ki tarah achha likh sakti huun-
kyon na maane hum woh baate jo sab kaha karte hai,
ke rote hi rehte hai log jo mohabbat kiya karte hai..
Maloom tau tha ye hame, pyaar fakat ik dhokha hai
Aapse koi shikayat nahin, khudh hi se gila karte hai..
Pyaar hai wo la-ilaaj sheh, jiski na hai koi dawaa
rog-e- ulfat jab se laga hame, bas yehi kaha karte hai..
Keh daala tha humne use, jee lenge uske bagair hum
aashiq bina dilruba ke sab, mar mar ke jiya karte hai
‘jyoti’ na dhoond is viraane mein koi apna humsafar
rah-e-ulfat mein nikalne waale- akele hi chala karte hai
Aapki raaye ka tahe dil se intzaar rahega..
Jyoti
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Pieces of me!
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Posts: 823
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Bhopal(MP, india)
Rep Power: 25
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13th January 2009, 05:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jyoti grewal
Shayri ki duniya mein maine abhi pehle hi kuchh kadam rakhe hain; is mehfil mein kuchh aise fankaar hain jo shayri ko bahut achhe se samajhte hain aur apne lafzon se piro kar ghazalon ke haar pirote hain. Is mehfil mein abde sehme hue main apni pehli koshish rakh rahi huun, guzarish hai aap sab se ke isse zaroor pade aur mujhe bataaye ke main kaise aap sab ki tarah achha likh sakti huun-
kyon na maane hum woh baate jo sab kaha karte hai,
ke rote hi rehte hai log jo mohabbat kiya karte hai..
Maloom tau tha ye hame, pyaar fakat ik dhokha hai
Aapse koi shikayat nahin, khudh hi se gila karte hai..
Pyaar hai wo la-ilaaj sheh, jiski na hai koi dawaa
rog-e- ulfat jab se laga hame, bas yehi kaha karte hai..
Keh daala tha humne use, jee lenge uske bagair hum
aashiq bina dilruba ke sab, mar mar ke jiya karte hai
‘jyoti’ na dhoond is viraane mein koi apna humsafar
rah-e-ulfat mein nikalne waale- akele hi chala karte hai
Aapki raaye ka tahe dil se intzaar rahega..
Jyoti
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Jyoti jee ,
isse pehle ke koi aur bole ..mujhe kehne me behad fakhr mehsoos ho raha hai ki is site pe aapka istekbaal hua hai ...lagta hi nahi hai ki ye apki pehli kavish hai ...maqta khoobsoorat hai ....
polishing toh aap apne aap hi kar loge ...yaqeen maaniye ..apko kisi ki salaah ki zarurat nahi hai ...likhte likhte hi aap umda shayaroN ki category me aa jayengi
mashk-e-sukhan jaari rakhiyega ....
dua go,
KasaK
~A tease in heart~
Judaa huye haiN bahut log, ek tum bhii sahii,
Ab itnii sii baat pe kyaa zindagii haraam kareiN ..
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Yaadon ka!
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: gujarat-India
Rep Power: 46
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13th January 2009, 06:10 PM
behad khoobsurat ghazal hain jyotijee.........har sher dil ko chu jaaye aisa hain..
Maloom tau tha ye hame, pyaar fakat ik dhokha hai
Aapse koi shikayat nahin, khudh hi se gila karte hai..
yeh sher khub raha.....baki sab bhi bahut hi acche hain yunhi apni kavvish humse sher karti rahe..
repz +++
mausam
Jaane kya samjha woh mujhe
Jaane kya samjhi main useN
Faasla nazar aaya....Kuch kadmon ke saath se
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Moderator
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Location: Chandigarh (Mohali)
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Keep it up -
13th January 2009, 09:28 PM
Jyoti jii.....aapne bahut umda likha hai, lagta nahi hai ki yeh aapki pheli poetry hai, aapke likhe sabhi sher acche lage....ahsaas bhi acche haiN, aur lafz bhi acche chune haiN aapne....yoon hi likhti rahiye, kalam apne aap raftaar pakad legi
khoobsurat poetry ke liye reps +++
kush rahiye
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.....Sunita Thakur.....
यह कह कर मेरा दुश्मन मुझे हँसते हुए छोड़ गया
....के तेरे अपने ही बहुत हैं तुझे रुलाने के लिए...
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raj
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Location: dil mein khud ke..aisa nahi kisi ko mera pata nahi hai mujhe dhundhne ki had tak koi dhundhta nahi hai..un
Rep Power: 34
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13th January 2009, 10:36 PM
‘jyoti’ na dhoond is viraane mein koi apna humsafar
rah-e-ulfat mein nikalne waale- akele hi chala karte hai
jyoti ji
poori gazal achi lagi magar ye sher to wakai ek dam fit hai aja kal halat pe..agar sach me apko kuch hashil karna hai to safar akele shuru kari dunia to aayegi hi jab wo kadam majbooti se padne shuru ho jayenge...
acha laga apke khyaal padke...
sakhi
कुछ ऐसे पल जिनको संजोना है ,
शब्दों में पिरोना है , जिससे वो हमारी यादों में महकते रहे
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"Taish meN hai Taish"
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Location: Lost In The Cobwebs Of Mah Mind...!!
Rep Power: 48
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13th January 2009, 11:49 PM
aadaab muhtarma,
jaisa ki aapka isteqbaal meri ajeej dost kasak ne kar hi diya hai, aur yakeenan, bahut khoob aur umda peshkash rai aapki, polishing waqt ke satah khud ba khud aa jaayegi, bas ghabraayeN nahiN yunhi jazbaaton ko bayaan kate raheN, umeed hai aapse aane vaale waqt me aur v kayi purzor kalaam padhne ko mileNge..!!
Allah Hafeez...!!
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Registered User
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Location: Khariar, Odisha
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14th January 2009, 12:18 PM
Jyoti jee:
aap ka shayri.com par swaagat hai.... aap ne jis saadagi se apne aap ko yahaa.n pesh kiya hai, paDh kar khushii huii...
aap ki yeh tehreer behad achchhi lagii... sab se achcha laga rabt jo lagbhag har sher ke dono misro.n me.n hai.. shuruaati daur me.n kuchh mushkil hota hai...... lekin aap ne ek mushkil kaam ko ba-aasaani kar dikhaaya hai....daad! aap ke khayaalo.n ka rang kaafi pukhta nazar aa raha hai aur bayaa.n karne ka Dhang bhi Theek hai, aur likhate likhate dheere dheere yeh andaaz-e-bayaa.n bhi behtar se behtariin hota jaayegaa, yeh ummeed hai...
kyon na maane hum woh baate jo sab kaha karte hai,
ke rote hi rehte hai log jo mohabbat kiya karte hai..
matla bohat achchha hai......rabt bhi baDhiya hai... behad pasand aayaa...
hai> hai.n or haiN
ke> kii
Maloom tau tha ye hame, pyaar fakat ik dhokha hai
Aapse koi shikayat nahin, khudh hi se gila karte hai..
waah! sher yeh bhi pasand aaya... sab kuchh jaante huye bhi log, phas hi jaate hai.n, is dhoke me.n aakhir Ghalib ne bhi kya khuub kaha hai is par...
ishq par zor nahin hai ye vo aatish ghaalib.
jo laga'e na lage aur bujhaa'e na bane
fakat>faqat
Pyaar hai wo la-ilaaj sheh, jiski na hai koi dawaa
rog-e- ulfat jab se laga hame, bas yehi kaha karte hai..
sher achchha hai....
par, duusre misre ko phir se dekhiye , yahaa.n par aap ne ek lafz likha hai 'rog-e-ulfat', 'rog' lafz hindi ka hai aur ulfat urdu lafz hai.. aap ne dono ko mila kar likha hai.. mere khayaal se is tarah likhane se bachna chahaiye, is ke jagah marz-e-ishq, marz-e-ulfat, likha jaa sakta hai.....
Keh daala tha humne use, jee lenge uske bagair hum
aashiq bina dilruba ke sab, mar mar ke jiya karte hai
yeh sher mujhe kuchh kamzor lagaa.....
‘jyoti’ na dhoond is viraane mein koi apna humsafar
rah-e-ulfat mein nikalne waale- akele hi chala karte hai
bohat khuub! kamaal ka maqta hai........ paDh kar dil khush ho gaya.......
jyoti jee, aap ne pehle kadmo.n pe hii mehfil ko raushan kar diyaa! bahot achchaa likhaa hai aapne..
yuu.n hi likhti rahiye gaa... ham paRhte rahe.nge..
Mayank
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ek shoonya
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14th January 2009, 12:28 PM
Jyoti Ji
bahaut accha raha aapko parhna. Technically to kuch nahin kahunga magar aapki yeh pehli koshish hee bahaut asardaar hai.
aabhaar
vipin
विपिन
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Birha Tu Sultan
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17th January 2009, 09:45 PM
aadaab, namaste aur SSA jyoti saheba
pehle to aapka is mehfil meiN khair-makhdam hai
aapki kohshish yaqeenan achchii hai, Mayank saaheb ne jo tabsira kiya hai us par ga'ur farmaa lijiyega iske ilaawa itna hi kahuuNga ke ho sake to wazn ki jaanib bhi khayaal kijiye jise ki urdu shaii'rii ki backbone maana jaata hai
ummiid hai ke is bazm se aapko jo bhi madadd darkaar hai voh zaroor milegi
rab raakha
maikash
.........................................
is tarhe teri yaad meiN har shaam dhaley hai
goyaa koyi nagin si kalejey pe chaley hai
maikash
...............................
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Sifar
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Location: Dubai, UAE
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17th January 2009, 10:45 PM
KouN kahega ise ki ye pehla salaam hai kisi kaa.. shayri ki shuruwaat .. yakeenan thoda aur purasar kiya jaa sakta tha .. par is guldaste ko waise hi itna khoobsoorat sajaya hai aapne .. ki kuch kehte nahi banta meri taraf se aapko bohat bohat mubarak ho ye alfaaz .. par pyaar humesha bura nahi hota .. kabhi hum to kabhi khuda iski raahoN ko mushkil ya barbaad kar deta hai ...
Kunaal
KunaaL (Sifar).........
Hai 'sifar' bhi reyazi ka hissa..
Shayrii bhi hisaab ki hogi..
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