Rab se gil rahegi hamari.

Bijili · **Rab se gil rahegi hamari. -** 18th December 2002, 04:56 AM

Gila rahegi rab se hamein
aasra dekhe dil mera tod diyaa!!

manzil ki ek zalak dikhaa khe
anjani rah pe akela chodiyan!!

Aghar saath uska naseeb me nathi meri
phir kyon usse hume mila diyaa??

Chahithi maine thodisi khushi aur
umr bhar ka gum daman me tham diya!

chaliyen, ab kya zindagise shikwa karna,
jab maut ne bhi dhokha dediya!!

Sharaabi · 19th December 2002, 02:05 AM

Bahot hi khoob lafz likhe haiN aapne, lekin ek cheez ki thoDi bahot kami hai, yaani ki iska wazn kam hai.
Apne jazbaat likhne mushkil hote hai, aur unko "wazn (rhyme)" dena aur bhi mushkil hota hai, lekin bina wazn ka sher, sher nahiiN kehlaaye ga. Buura na maan'na, lekin main aapki madat ke liye yeh sab bol raha huun..

Yeh jo pehli lines haiN ->

Gila rahegi rab se hamein
aasra dekhe dil mera tod diyaa!!

manzil ki ek zalak dikhaa khe
anjani rah pe akela chhod diyaN!!

Ok that one goes pretty smoothly, but yahaaN par thoDa sa ajeeb lagta hai ->

Aghar saath uska naseeb me nathi meri
phir kyon usse hume mila diyaa??

Chahithi maine thodisi khushi aur
umr bhar ka gum daman me tham diya!

chaliyen, ab kya zindagise shikwa karna,
jab maut ne bhi dhokha dediya!!

You see in the first one, "toD, and chhoD" rhyme, but the one above doesn't. Jaise aapne "diya" har sher ke baad likha hai, waise hi aapko uske pehle lafz ko wazn dena chahiye.
Zaroori to nahiiN hai, lekin mere hisaab se paRne mein acha lagta hai.
Do not get me wrong, maiN bas aapki madat kar raha huun; this poem is really good, and I like it - is liye to maiN aapko sahii raah dikhaa raha huun..

Aur haan, if any of you think that I've done wrong in explaining, please do tell me, so I will not make the same mistake again..

Likhte rahiye,
Aman

Bijili · 19th December 2002, 02:17 AM

Thanks Aman ji,
I didnt feel any wrong, infact these are real appri's for me. I told U already, I am not good at shayri. I have just started, lot manythings come into my mind but most of the time I cant give good shape to them.I will remembr this .

Jab thak uski yaad aathi rahegi humtho likhthe rahenge, aur aap bhi hume correct kariye jaroor.

Bijili.

shayri12345 · **hi -** 8th January 2003, 01:34 AM

hi bijali ji how r u ?
bijali ji likha to kaafi acha hai aapne....aur jasbaat kaffi khobi se dhaale hai in shabdon me par there is a comment i wanna say if u dont mind? and if u do then maff kar dena...

frm my life experience ...mostly we say ki raab se gila rahegi par u know....vo jo upar baitha hai he knows the best for us and who knows ki kuch do gamo ke piche he is writing 10000's sukh for us? right> so the only way to be happy is accept what we get
but then i understand taht feelings are feelings....aa hi jaati hai....par my best wihes are with u

best of luck

Luv Priya

is_that_life · 02:05 AM

janab salam

hope and wish r u fine so hope i m better

well janab app ne bhout he acha likha ha ... or wese samajne wala samaj jaye main samajta ho ye he bhout ha .. bhout ha acha likha ha app ne ....

is se gila ab kya karna
jab gunhagar gar hum bhi

manzil se kya chupana
jab pass raho tum bhi

likha howa ha jab milna
phir inn batoon se kya rakhna

zindagi sikwa kare or kehna ab
likhoon ise tara sath rahe meri dua

bye u
see u
waiting u

Bijili · 8th January 2003, 06:16 AM

Priya,
shaayad aap sahin kahthe hai

, hume gila nahin karni chahiye us khuda se kyon ki woh jaanthe tha hume kyaa dena, par kyaa kare rokh nahin paathe apne aapko

Hope something good will turn frm ur best wishes.

Thanks

hello (is_that_life,

dont know how to name U)

aapko hamari likhawat pasand aayin khush kismat hai hum. aur aapki gazal ka bi bahut shukriyaa.

Bye and take care

Bijili