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naren.786.rajput
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Love Zindagi Ke Naam Par .... - 27th January 2012, 03:15 PM
Marte Marte Zee Rahe hai , Zindgi Ke NaaM par ,
Jeetezi huM mar RaHe hai , bebasi ke Naam paR ..

Ek Do Ke Naam Par Rona Gar ho , theeK hai ,
kaise Roye , kitna roye .. har kisi ke naaM par ..

Meri Barbaadi ne Gar Apni Zubaa ko kHol Di ,
Aayenge Ilzaam Saare , aap hi ke Naam Par ..

Aadmi Se Hum ne 'Aaftaab' Zakhm Aise paaye hai ,
Ab Nahi bharosa Hum ko Aadmi ke Naam Par ..


Narendra ...
Maine har gum khushi me daala he ..
Mera har ek chalan nirala he ..
Log jin hadso se marte he ' Aaftab '..
Mujhe un hadso ne paala he ..!!
   
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AHMAD SHAKIL
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27th January 2012, 03:50 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by naren.786.rajput View Post
Marte Marte Zee Rahe hai , Zindgi Ke NaaM par ,

Jeetezi huM mar RaHe hai , bebasi ke Naam paR ..

Hmmmmm..... Acha Laga Matla.....Daad

Ek Do Ke Naam Par Rona Gar ho , theeK hai ,
kaise Roye , kitna roye .. har kisi ke naaM par ..
Khubsurat Lagi Is Sher Ki Soch..... Acha Laga..Daad

Meri Barbaadi ne Gar Apni Zubaa ko kHol Di ,
Aayenge Ilzaam Saare , aap hi ke Naam Par ..


Aftaab Ji...... Yahan Me Aik baat Zaruur Kahen Ga.,..... "Aap Ne Yahan oola Me "Zubaan Ko KHol Di" Istemaal Kia Hai... Mere KHyal Me Is Ka Koi Maani Nahi Banta... Haan "Zubaan Khol Di" Keh Saktay Hain Aap..... Yahan Se Aap "KO" Hata Kr Koi Or Lafz Laga Len..... Is Sher Ka Saani Pasand Aaya......." Meri Barbadi Ne Gar Kholi Sanam Apni Zubaan" Ye Misra Dekh Len Ya Koi Or Laga Len Oola Me..Behtreen Sher Ban Jaye Ga....

Aadmi Se Hum ne 'Aaftaab' Zakhm Aise paaye hai ,
Ab Nahi bharosa Hum ko Aadmi ke Naam Par ..


Yahan Aa Ka Misra Oola Behr Se Khaarij Hai..... "Aaftaab" Ki Waja Se Ye Misra Behr Se Nikal Raha Hai....Agar Thora Tabdeel Kr Len To Theak Ho Jaye Ga.....

Aadmi Se Dartay Ho......?
Aadmi To Hum Bhi Hain..
Aadmi TO Tum BHi Ho.......

Yahan Saani Me Aap Ne Aadmi Istemaal Kia Hai ..... Ye Theak Nahi Laga..... Uper Waja Bayan Kr Di Hai......

Janab Aaftaab Sb........ Mujhy Aap Me Kuch Nazar Aaya Hai........... Is Liye Itni Tafseel Se Comment Kr raha Hun..... Bs Thori Kaant Chhaaant Ki Zarurat Hai... Phir Dekhiye Ga Apa me Kitna Nikhaar Aa Jata Hai.......
Ummid Hai Aap Meri Baaton Ko Samjhen Gay.......
Sada Khush Rahiye.......... Or Likhtay Rahiye............



Ay Chaara-Saaz Dil Pe M're Daal Ik Nazar
Mujhko Bas Aik Jism Ka Aazaar Hee Nahi

AHMAD ALI SHAKIL
   
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ufaq
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27th January 2012, 06:42 PM
aftab sahab bahut -2 acchaa lagaa aapko padkar................aapke qalaam men ek rawaanagi hai....................main ahmad shakil sahab ki baato se poori-2 tarah sahmat hu.unkee likhee bato par zaroor gaur farmaaiyegaa............. technical aspects ko kabhi ignore mat kariye..................maslan ek ghazal men kam se kam 5 sher hone chaahiye iske bina ghazal kabhi muqammal nahee maani jaati.
u really have somthing in u. please don't waste it..............take care. keep writing.................reps added++++++++++++
   
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naresh_mehra110
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27th January 2012, 07:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by naren.786.rajput View Post
Marte Marte Zee Rahe hai , Zindgi Ke NaaM par ,
Jeetezi huM mar RaHe hai , bebasi ke Naam paR ..

Ek Do Ke Naam Par Rona Gar ho , theeK hai ,
kaise Roye , kitna roye .. har kisi ke naaM par ..

Meri Barbaadi ne Gar Apni Zubaa ko kHol Di ,
Aayenge Ilzaam Saare , aap hi ke Naam Par ..

Aadmi Se Hum ne 'Aaftaab' Zakhm Aise paaye hai ,
Ab Nahi bharosa Hum ko Aadmi ke Naam Par ..

AchChhe Aur Asardaar Ashaar Kahne Kii UmdaaH Koshish .. Khoobsurat Lagi ... !

Bahut Sundar ... !

Dilee Mubaaraqbaad !!!



YuuN Besabab Aansoo Aate NahiN
Lag Zaroor Koii Baat Dil Ko Rahii Hai ...

Fareb Kaa ChaDhtaa Bazaar Dekh
Insaaf Se Bastii Khaalii Ho Rahii Hai ...

---Naresh Mehra----
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AnjAAn!!!
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27th January 2012, 08:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by naren.786.rajput View Post
Marte Marte Zee Rahe hai , Zindgi Ke NaaM par ,
Jeetezi huM mar RaHe hai , bebasi ke Naam paR ..

Ek Do Ke Naam Par Rona Gar ho , theeK hai ,
kaise Roye , kitna roye .. har kisi ke naaM par ..

Meri Barbaadi ne Gar Apni Zubaa ko kHol Di ,
Aayenge Ilzaam Saare , aap hi ke Naam Par ..

Aadmi Se Hum ne 'Aaftaab' Zakhm Aise paaye hai ,
Ab Nahi bharosa Hum ko Aadmi ke Naam Par ..

Waah Naren ji, bahut achhe aashaar o khyaal se miilwaaya aapne. Mazaa aa gaya padhkar. Ahmad Shakeel sahab ne wahi kamiyaa'n tafseel se bataayeeb hai'n jo mai'n kehna chahtaa tha. Iske alaawa
1. Doosre sher mei'n 'Gar' ki jagah 'Agar' hona chahiye.
2. Teesre sher mei'n 'zubaa ko khol di' mei'n ko ki jagah 'fir' padh ke dekhe'n. Mai'n aapke khyaal ko toDna nahi chaahta. Baaki aap chaahei'n to koi aur misra bhi soch sakte hai'n.
3. Aakhiri sher mei'n takhallus ka istemaal achha nahi lagaa. Takhallus mei'n koyee bhi alfaaz giraana nahi chahiye mere hisaab se. Is se sher ka takhallus majboot hota hai aur ghazal mei'n ek jaan bhar jaati hai.

Aapko is koshish par behad mubaarakbaad.
reps ++++++++++

_____________________________________
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naren.786.rajput
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Love 29th January 2012, 07:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by AHMAD SHAKIL View Post
[/CENTER]

Janab Aaftaab Sb........ Mujhy Aap Me Kuch Nazar Aaya Hai........... Is Liye Itni Tafseel Se Comment Kr raha Hun..... Bs Thori Kaant Chhaaant Ki Zarurat Hai... Phir Dekhiye Ga Apa me Kitna Nikhaar Aa Jata Hai.......
Ummid Hai Aap Meri Baaton Ko Samjhen Gay.......
Sada Khush Rahiye.......... Or Likhtay Rahiye............
Jannab ahmad shakil sahab .... pehle to me aap ka tahe dil se khub khub shukriya karna chahta hu ..... jo bhi kami aap ko lagi use batane ke liye shukragujar hu aap ka ....... jaise ki aap meri post aur joininig month dekh rahe he ...mene abhi hi SDC join kiya he ....aur ghazal likhna bhi suru kiye ku6 hi time hua he ..to thik thik likh leta hu filhaal to ... to aap ke suggestion se improvement kar ne me bahut aasaani rahegi .... khub khub dhanyavaad .... aap ke saare suggestion me dhyaan me jarur lunga .... bas aap dhyaan dete rahiye ...

sada khush rahiye ..... saath banaye rahiye ....

Narendra ...
Maine har gum khushi me daala he ..
Mera har ek chalan nirala he ..
Log jin hadso se marte he ' Aaftab '..
Mujhe un hadso ne paala he ..!!
   
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naren.786.rajput
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Love 29th January 2012, 07:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by uff ak View Post
aftab sahab bahut -2 acchaa lagaa aapko padkar................aapke qalaam men ek rawaanagi hai....................main ahmad shakil sahab ki baato se poori-2 tarah sahmat hu.unkee likhee bato par zaroor gaur farmaaiyegaa............. technical aspects ko kabhi ignore mat kariye..................maslan ek ghazal men kam se kam 5 sher hone chaahiye iske bina ghazal kabhi muqammal nahee maani jaati.
u really have somthing in u. please don't waste it..............take care. keep writing.................reps added++++++++++++
khub khub shukriya ji ...... me aap ke aur ahmad sahab ke suggestion par khara utar ne ki puri koshish karunga ....bas aap sada saath banaye rahiye .... khush rahiye ....

Narendra ...
Maine har gum khushi me daala he ..
Mera har ek chalan nirala he ..
Log jin hadso se marte he ' Aaftab '..
Mujhe un hadso ne paala he ..!!
   
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naren.786.rajput
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Love 29th January 2012, 07:25 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by naresh_mehra110 View Post
AchChhe Aur Asardaar Ashaar Kahne Kii UmdaaH Koshish .. Khoobsurat Lagi ... !

Bahut Sundar ... !

Dilee Mubaaraqbaad !!!

Aap ki daad sar aankho par nareshji ..... khub khub shukriya ... bas yuhi saath banaye rahiye ....

Narendra ...
Maine har gum khushi me daala he ..
Mera har ek chalan nirala he ..
Log jin hadso se marte he ' Aaftab '..
Mujhe un hadso ne paala he ..!!
   
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naren.786.rajput
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Love 29th January 2012, 07:30 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnjAAn!!! View Post
Waah Naren ji, bahut achhe aashaar o khyaal se miilwaaya aapne. Mazaa aa gaya padhkar. Ahmad Shakeel sahab ne wahi kamiyaa'n tafseel se bataayeeb hai'n jo mai'n kehna chahtaa tha. Iske alaawa
1. Doosre sher mei'n 'Gar' ki jagah 'Agar' hona chahiye.
2. Teesre sher mei'n 'zubaa ko khol di' mei'n ko ki jagah 'fir' padh ke dekhe'n. Mai'n aapke khyaal ko toDna nahi chaahta. Baaki aap chaahei'n to koi aur misra bhi soch sakte hai'n.
3. Aakhiri sher mei'n takhallus ka istemaal achha nahi lagaa. Takhallus mei'n koyee bhi alfaaz giraana nahi chahiye mere hisaab se. Is se sher ka takhallus majboot hota hai aur ghazal mei'n ek jaan bhar jaati hai.

Aapko is koshish par behad mubaarakbaad.
reps ++++++++++
Khub khub shukriya anjaan ji ..... aap ke suzaav aur tafseel ki hui kamiyo pe zarur dhyaan dunga ... jaise ki mene ahmad saahab ko kaha ke mene abhi abhi ghazal likhna suru kiya he to bas aap log yuhi saath dete rahiye .... to sudhhar aata rahega ....

sada khush rahiye .........

Narendra ...
Maine har gum khushi me daala he ..
Mera har ek chalan nirala he ..
Log jin hadso se marte he ' Aaftab '..
Mujhe un hadso ne paala he ..!!
   
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