$..ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe...$

[shweta]

Hi All,
M here again.. .. with some poetry (but obvious).
Before posting that... I wanna thanks to few people.. hmm and first thanks goes to "Zidd sahab" .. as without him I couldn't have learn all this meter.. Zidd sahab waisey aap se humaari baat to kabhi ni hui.. magar suna kaafi kuch hai aapkey baare me.. aur agar aapne ye kala "Vikas" ko ni sikhayi hoti to shayad mujhey kabhi ni aati..And thank you vikas for pin pointing my all small error ( with big scolds )

Zidd sahab!!! I wanna dedicate this ghazal to you as you have helped vikas to learn meter and he taught me all and my teacher asked me to dedicate my first metered ghazal to his teacher..

All sdc members ..plz let me know my mistakes


_________________________________________

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..
zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai

main dun koi khilauna ya ki isko chaand le aaun..
badal tera maiN du kuch bhi ... ye fir bhi kam bahalta hai

na mandir hai..na hi masjid.. na hi iska shivalaa hai..
hua kaafir ye dil meraa..tere dar pe tahaltaa hai..

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

tumhari ho chuki thi jab bhala hoti maiN kya kiski
kiyaa barbaad tumne yuN zamana hatah maltaa hai

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai


__________



ये दिल तेरी ही चौखट पे ..बहलता है संभलता है ..
ज़रा सा दूर ले जाते ही दम इसका निकलता है

में दूँ कोई खिलौना या की इसको चाँद ले आऊं ..
बदल तेरा में दूँ कुछ भी ... ये फिर भी कम बहलता है

न मंदिर है न ही मस्जिद ..न ही इसका शिवाला है
हुआ काफ़िर ये दिल मेरा .... तेरे दर पे टहलता है

में करती हूँ अता तुझको .. ये दिल अबसे हुआ तेरा ...
की रह कर पास भी मेरे ..तेरी खातिर मचलता है ..

तुम्हारी हो चुकी थी जब भला क्या गैर की होती
किया बर्बाद तुमने यूँ ज़माना हाथ मलता है

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन
मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

[zidd]

aisa lag raha hai ki guru guD rah gaye aur chela chini ho gaya......

baki ghazal par baad me aata hu

[shweta]

zidd sahab... but ye bhi hai ki agar gud na ho to cheeni ni banti.... ...

and please read ghazal and tell me my mistakes... after all u r guru of my guru... to aapkey khayal bahut maayney rakhtein hain humaare liye..

(waisey to vikas ne kaan bahut kheech liye.. thoda aap bhi sahi kar do)

[janumanu]

Originally Posted by zidd

aisa lag raha hai ki guru guD rah gaye aur chela chini ho gaya......

baki ghazal par baad me aata hu

sahi kaha guru gud
chelaa cheeni....

ab zara hum dono pe ye baat lagu kareN to..

aap mere guru they
aur mai sukhan ka ... hahahah

ab kaun guD kaun cheeni ...............

[AnjAAn!!!]

Originally Posted by shweta

Hi All,
M here again.. .. with some poetry (but obvious).
Before posting that... I wanna thanks to few people.. hmm and first thanks goes to "Zidd sahab" .. as without him I couldn't have learn all this meter.. Zidd sahab waisey aap se humaari baat to kabhi ni hui.. magar suna kaafi kuch hai aapkey baare me.. aur agar aapne ye kala "Vikas" ko ni sikhayi hoti to shayad mujhey kabhi ni aati..And thank you vikas for pin pointing my all small error ( with big scolds )

Zidd sahab!!! I wanna dedicate this ghazal to you as you have helped vikas to learn meter and he taught me all and my teacher asked me to dedicate my first metered ghazal to his teacher..

All sdc members ..plz let me know my mistakes


_________________________________________

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..
zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai

main dun koi khilauna ya ki isko chaand le aaun..
badal tera maiN du kuch bhi ... ye fir bhi kam bahalta hai

na mandir hai..na hi masjid.. na hi iska shivalaa hai..
hua kaafir ye dil meraa..tere dar pe tahaltaa hai..

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

tumhari ho chuki thi jab bhala hoti maiN kya kiski
kiyaa barbaad tumne yuN zamana hatah maltaa hai

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai


__________



ये दिल तेरी ही चौखट पे ..बहलता है संभलता है ..
ज़रा सा दूर ले जाते ही दम इसका निकलता है

में दूँ कोई खिलौना या की इसको चाँद ले आऊं ..
बदल तेरा में दूँ कुछ भी ... ये फिर भी कम बहलता है

न मंदिर है न ही मस्जिद ..न ही इसका शिवाला है
हुआ काफ़िर ये दिल मेरा .... तेरे दर पे टहलता है

में करती हूँ अता तुझको .. ये दिल अबसे हुआ तेरा ...
की रह कर पास भी मेरे ..तेरी 26;ातिर मचलता है ..

तुम्हारी हो चुकी थी जब भला क्या गैर की होती
किया बर्बाद तुमने यूँ ज़माना हाथ मलता है

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन
मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

Waah bahut khoob Sweta jee
Behtareen ghazal hai.
Maasumiyat jhalakti hai or issi se pata chalta hai ye Vikas bhai ki denn hai aapko.

Waise aapki ghazal ko maine bahut shauk se padha. Ab zidd bhai yahaaN galti nikaal payenge mujhe nahiN lagtaa.

Waise Zidd bhayee aapne chini gud ka jo example diya hai, wo yahaaN bilkul sahi hota dikh raha hai.

Vikaas bhai ke bhi kya kehne. Unke qalaam mein jo masoomiyat hoti hai qaabile taarif hai.

Likhte rahiye
Reps++++

[Praneeta]

Originally Posted by shweta

Hi All,
M here again.. .. with some poetry (but obvious).
Before posting that... I wanna thanks to few people.. hmm and first thanks goes to "Zidd sahab" .. as without him I couldn't have learn all this meter.. Zidd sahab waisey aap se humaari baat to kabhi ni hui.. magar suna kaafi kuch hai aapkey baare me.. aur agar aapne ye kala "Vikas" ko ni sikhayi hoti to shayad mujhey kabhi ni aati..And thank you vikas for pin pointing my all small error ( with big scolds )

Zidd sahab!!! I wanna dedicate this ghazal to you as you have helped vikas to learn meter and he taught me all and my teacher asked me to dedicate my first metered ghazal to his teacher..

All sdc members ..plz let me know my mistakes


_________________________________________

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..
zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai

main dun koi khilauna ya ki isko chaand le aaun..
badal tera maiN du kuch bhi ... ye fir bhi kam bahalta hai

na mandir hai..na hi masjid.. na hi iska shivalaa hai..
hua kaafir ye dil meraa..tere dar pe tahaltaa hai..

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

tumhari ho chuki thi jab bhala hoti maiN kya kiski
kiyaa barbaad tumne yuN zamana hatah maltaa hai

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai


__________



ये दिल तेरी ही चौखट पे ..बहलता है संभलता है ..
ज़रा सा दूर ले जाते ही दम इसका निकलता है

में दूँ कोई खिलौना या की इसको चाँद ले आऊं ..
बदल तेरा में दूँ कुछ भी ... ये फिर भी कम बहलता है

न मंदिर है न ही मस्जिद ..न ही इसका शिवाला है
हुआ काफ़िर ये दिल मेरा .... तेरे दर पे टहलता है

में करती हूँ अता तुझको .. ये दिल अबसे हुआ तेरा ...
की रह कर पास भी मेरे ..तेरी खातिर मचलता है ..

तुम्हारी हो चुकी थी जब भला क्या गैर की होती
किया बर्बाद तुमने यूँ ज़माना हाथ मलता है

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन
मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

bahot khub shweta ji
bahot achchi peshkash hai aapki
ab jab zidd sahab aur vikas ne aap ko guide kiya hai toh zarur aisi hi ghazal banni thi!! zidd sahab hum bhi aap ke guidance mein likhna sikhna chahte hai agar aap ko aetraaz na ho toh
keep sharing dear

Regards

[shweta]

Originally Posted by AnjAAn!!!

Waah bahut khoob Sweta jee
Behtareen ghazal hai.
Maasumiyat jhalakti hai or issi se pata chalta hai ye Vikas bhai ki denn hai aapko.

Waise aapki ghazal ko maine bahut shauk se padha. Ab zidd bhai yahaaN galti nikaal payenge mujhe nahiN lagtaa.

Waise Zidd bhayee aapne chini gud ka jo example diya hai, wo yahaaN bilkul sahi hota dikh raha hai.

Vikaas bhai ke bhi kya kehne. Unke qalaam mein jo masoomiyat hoti hai qaabile taarif hai.

Likhte rahiye
Reps++++

shukriya anjaan sahab....for reading it and liking it.. .. guru k baare me to main kuch ni kah sakti... haan magar mujhey yaqin hain zidd sahab kuch na kuch mashwara jarur denge... bus unhey ye ghazal pasand aa jaaye .. yahi khwahish hai...

[shweta]

Originally Posted by Praneeta

bahot khub shweta ji
bahot achchi peshkash hai aapki
ab jab zidd sahab aur vikas ne aap ko guide kiya hai toh zarur aisi hi ghazal banni thi!! zidd sahab hum bhi aap ke guidance mein likhna sikhna chahte hai agar aap ko aetraaz na ho toh
keep sharing dear

Regards

Thanks a lot Praneeta ji .....and hope zidd sahab accepts to guide you... my best wishes is with you

[zainy]

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

Wah!!......bohat khoob!!......

[zidd]

Originally Posted by janumanu

sahi kaha guru gud
chelaa cheeni....

ab zara hum dono pe ye baat lagu kareN to..

aap mere guru they
aur mai sukhan ka ... hahahah

ab kaun guD kaun cheeni ...............

ajeeb zabar hai tumhara yaar.....

maine kab kahaki mai tumhara guru hu...balki jab jab tumne kisi post par kaha maine delete karwaya.

tum to mujhse shayri me 12 saal seniour ho.6 moti moti dairy bhar kar rakhi hai shayri se......bacche ko break do yaar.....

mai apne ko koiguru nahi manta...2-4 kitabi baat batane se koi guru nahi ho jata.

tumhi guD bane raho...mai to peThaa banunga

[naresh_mehra110]

ये दिल तेरी ही चौखट पे ..बहलता है संभलता है ..
ज़रा सा दूर ले जाते ही दम इसका निकलता है

में दूँ कोई खिलौना या की इसको चाँद ले आऊं ..
बदल तेरा में दूँ कुछ भी ... ये फिर भी कम बहलता है

न मंदिर है न ही मस्जिद ..न ही इसका शिवाला है
हुआ काफ़िर ये दिल मेरा .... तेरे दर पे टहलता है

में करती हूँ अता तुझको .. ये दिल अबसे हुआ तेरा ...
की रह कर पास भी मेरे ..तेरी खातिर मचलता है ..

तुम्हारी हो चुकी थी जब भला क्या गैर की होती
किया बर्बाद तुमने यूँ ज़माना हाथ मलता है

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन
मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

KhoobSurat Sher ...
KhoobSurat Andaaz ...
KhoobSurat Ghazal ...
Aur Laajawaab Peshkash ...

WaaH !!! Shweta Ji !

Dilee Daad O Mubaaraqbaad !!!

[sameer'shaad']

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..
zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai

main dun koi khilauna ya ki isko chaand le aaun..
badal tera maiN du kuch bhi ... ye fir bhi kam bahalta hai

na mandir hai..na hi masjid.. na hi iska shivalaa hai..
hua kaafir ye dil meraa..tere dar pe tahaltaa hai..

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

tumhari ho chuki thi jab bhala hoti maiN kya kiski
kiyaa barbaad tumne yuN zamana hatah maltaa hai

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai


very very nice shweta jee.. aisaa lag hi nahi rahaa hai ke kisi beginner ka qalaam hai... bahot hi haseen alfaaz, bahot khoob bayaani rahi hai... Khush raho... likhti raho...

bas

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...

is Misre me huee lafz mere khayaal se sahi nahi hai... Albatta aap huaa istemaal karen to mere khayal se Dil ka saath detaa nazar aayega...

Allah aapko har khuhsi de aur likhte rahne ka hauslaa naseeb kare.... Shukriyaa

Shaad...

[shweta]

Originally Posted by sameer'shaad'

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..
zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai

main dun koi khilauna ya ki isko chaand le aaun..
badal tera maiN du kuch bhi ... ye fir bhi kam bahalta hai

na mandir hai..na hi masjid.. na hi iska shivalaa hai..
hua kaafir ye dil meraa..tere dar pe tahaltaa hai..

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

tumhari ho chuki thi jab bhala hoti maiN kya kiski
kiyaa barbaad tumne yuN zamana hatah maltaa hai

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai


very very nice shweta jee.. aisaa lag hi nahi rahaa hai ke kisi beginner ka qalaam hai... bahot hi haseen alfaaz, bahot khoob bayaani rahi hai... Khush raho... likhti raho...

bas

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...

is Misre me huee lafz mere khayaal se sahi nahi hai... Albatta aap huaa istemaal karen to mere khayal se Dil ka saath detaa nazar aayega...

Allah aapko har khuhsi de aur likhte rahne ka hauslaa naseeb kare.... Shukriyaa

Shaad...

shukriya shaad sahab... I am glad u liked the poetry..
the word was "huaa' .. its just a typing mistake.. if u read in hindi font it says "huaa tera" ... btw thanks for pointing it.. next time i'll cross check again before posting... still learning the tictacs of SDC

[shweta]

Originally Posted by zainy

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

Wah!!......bohat khoob!!......

i am glad u liked it... thank u so mauch zainy....


.................................................. ........................................

[zidd]

Ab zidd bhai yahaaN galti nikaal payenge mujhe nahiN lagtaa.

mohteram anjaan sahab.....aap kya kahna chahte hai mujhe kuch jyada to samjh nahi aaya....bus aapko ye bata dun ki ghazal ek bahut hi difficult artform hai.sirf beher me likhna ghazal nahi.....jaise ki kahte hai har shayar beher me lihkta hai magar har beher me likhne wala shayar nahi hota.....

rahi baat sewtaji ki ...to ek topahli baar likha unhone to jyada nuktachini karna theek nahi...upar se double jeopardy hai....ek shayara ko bura jaldi lagta hai ye maine experience kiya hai...

ab sirf matle ko dekhiye...(ageee nahi badenge)

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..

ab yaha par 'pe' par gaur kijiye.....agar meter aapko permission de raha hai to'pe'nahi ayega.yaha 'par' ayega

zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai



ab saani par aaiye...ulaa par gaur kijiye...waha time ka sense nahi hai,place ka sense hai( teri chaukhaT par=teri hakhat par aakar nahi)

magar saani kahta hai='le jaate hi'.....ek to time sense deta hai,dusra single idea hai to ek seedhe misre me adaa ho to behtar yaha do tukdo me ulajh raha hai......line seedhi nahi hai...iski ek seedhi surat batata hu

zara sa door le jaao to dum iska nikalta hai....ulaa aur sani ki 'place' ki symmetry bani rahi....misra ek ho gaya...'hi' se bhi bach gaye.

ab ye ban gaya...

ye dil teri hi chakhat par bahalta hai sambhalta hai
zara sa door le jaaoo to dum iska nikalta hai

agee ke sher phir kabhi.

ab anjaan sahab ye to maine dekha agar koi chota mota ustad ne bhi dekh liya hota to jaane kya cheer phad kar deta......

tecnique sab seekh sakte hai magar ghazal likhna aate aate hi aata hai...shayad isliye sab ustaad/shayar bhuddhe hote hai.

[janumanu]

Originally Posted by zidd

mohteram anjaan sahab.....aap kya kahna chahte hai mujhe kuch jyada to samjh nahi aaya....bus aapko ye bata dun ki ghazal ek bahut hi difficult artform hai.sirf beher me likhna ghazal nahi.....jaise ki kahte hai har shayar beher me lihkta hai magar har beher me likhne wala shayar nahi hota.....

rahi baat sewtaji ki ...to ek topahli baar likha unhone to jyada nuktachini karna theek nahi...upar se double jeopardy hai....ek shayara ko bura jaldi lagta hai ye maine experience kiya hai...

ab sirf matle ko dekhiye...(ageee nahi badenge)

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..

ab yaha par 'pe' par gaur kijiye.....agar meter aapko permission de raha hai to'pe'nahi ayega.yaha 'par' ayega

zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai



ab saani par aaiye...ulaa par gaur kijiye...waha time ka sense nahi hai,place ka sense hai( teri chaukhaT par=teri hakhat par aakar nahi)

magar saani kahta hai='le jaate hi'.....ek to time sense deta hai,dusra single idea hai to ek seedhe misre me adaa ho to behtar yaha do tukdo me ulajh raha hai......line seedhi nahi hai...iski ek seedhi surat batata hu

zara sa door le jaao to dum iska nikalta hai....ulaa aur sani ki 'place' ki symmetry bani rahi....misra ek ho gaya...'hi' se bhi bach gaye.

ab ye ban gaya...

ye dil teri hi chakhat par bahalta hai sambhalta hai
zara sa door le jaaoo to dum iska nikalta hai

agee ke sher phir kabhi.

ab anjaan sahab ye to maine dekha agar koi chota mota ustad ne bhi dekh liya hota to jaane kya cheer phad kar deta......

tecnique sab seekh sakte hai magar ghazal likhna aate aate hi aata hai...shayad isliye sab ustaad/shayar bhuddhe hote hai.

tecnique sab seekh sakte hai magar ghazal likhna aate aate hi aata hai...shayad isliye sab ustaad/shayar bhuddhe hote hai.

point to be noted

[shweta]

Originally Posted by zidd

mohteram anjaan sahab.....aap kya kahna chahte hai mujhe kuch jyada to samjh nahi aaya....bus aapko ye bata dun ki ghazal ek bahut hi difficult artform hai.sirf beher me likhna ghazal nahi.....jaise ki kahte hai har shayar beher me lihkta hai magar har beher me likhne wala shayar nahi hota.....

rahi baat sewtaji ki ...to ek topahli baar likha unhone to jyada nuktachini karna theek nahi...upar se double jeopardy hai....ek shayara ko bura jaldi lagta hai ye maine experience kiya hai...

ab sirf matle ko dekhiye...(ageee nahi badenge)

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..

ab yaha par 'pe' par gaur kijiye.....agar meter aapko permission de raha hai to'pe'nahi ayega.yaha 'par' ayega

zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai



ab saani par aaiye...ulaa par gaur kijiye...waha time ka sense nahi hai,place ka sense hai( teri chaukhaT par=teri hakhat par aakar nahi)

magar saani kahta hai='le jaate hi'.....ek to time sense deta hai,dusra single idea hai to ek seedhe misre me adaa ho to behtar yaha do tukdo me ulajh raha hai......line seedhi nahi hai...iski ek seedhi surat batata hu

zara sa door le jaao to dum iska nikalta hai....ulaa aur sani ki 'place' ki symmetry bani rahi....misra ek ho gaya...'hi' se bhi bach gaye.

ab ye ban gaya...

ye dil teri hi chakhat par bahalta hai sambhalta hai
zara sa door le jaaoo to dum iska nikalta hai

agee ke sher phir kabhi.

ab anjaan sahab ye to maine dekha agar koi chota mota ustad ne bhi dekh liya hota to jaane kya cheer phad kar deta......

tecnique sab seekh sakte hai magar ghazal likhna aate aate hi aata hai...shayad isliye sab ustaad/shayar bhuddhe hote hai.

hmmmm what to say on this.... i m really glad that you told me some mistakes.. looking forward for more dissection ... and auro ka to ni maalum zidd sahab but mujhey to kahi se bhi bura ni laga... agar mujhey meri galtii ni maaloom hogi to main acchha n saccha kaise likhungi..
Abhi to shuru hi kiya hai likhna hai ,,
Aur kahte hai ki kisi imaarat ki "neev" (foundation) hi uski jaan hoti hai... abhi seekhney ki neev daali hai... neev to majboot tabhi hogi jab har tarah se jaancha n parkha jaayega... tab kahi jakar main kah paaungi haan main shayar/shayraa hun...

Your comments/correction will make my foundation strong.. so keep doing islaah and nukta"cheeni" .. ( to make me cheeni )

[zidd]

Originally Posted by janumanu

tecnique sab seekh sakte hai magar ghazal likhna aate aate hi aata hai...shayad isliye sab ustaad/shayar bhuddhe hote hai.

point to be noted

aap to note karenge hi... aap hi ki baat chal rahi

aap hi ke sar par baal nahi hai......

[janumanu]

Originally Posted by zidd

aap to note karenge hi... aap hi ki baat chal rahi

aap hi ke sar par baal nahi hai......

haha................. hai hai sahi hai.................. baaloN se kya hota hai .....

fir bhi agar aapko lagata hai to yeh bhi theek ... par aap mere se to senior hi rahoge ... meri umr ke saath aapki bhi badegi hi.... ab kitni badhegi.... ye bhi bata duN

[AnjAAn!!!]

Originally Posted by zidd

mohteram anjaan sahab.....aap kya kahna chahte hai mujhe kuch jyada to samjh nahi aaya....bus aapko ye bata dun ki ghazal ek bahut hi difficult artform hai.sirf beher me likhna ghazal nahi.....jaise ki kahte hai har shayar beher me lihkta hai magar har beher me likhne wala shayar nahi hota.....

Zidd bhai main bhi wo cheezein jaan paunga to mere liye bade rasookh ki baat hogi. Chaliye is safar par chalne ka shayad yahi maqsad raha hai mera.

Waise aapne jo ek line quote ki hai. Iska matlab bahut negative lagta hai. Aap meri baat ko galat na samjhein

rahi baat sewtaji ki ...to ek topahli baar likha unhone to jyada nuktachini karna theek nahi...upar se double jeopardy hai....ek shayara ko bura jaldi lagta hai ye maine experience kiya hai...

ab sirf matle ko dekhiye...(ageee nahi badenge)

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..

ab yaha par 'pe' par gaur kijiye.....agar meter aapko permission de raha hai to'pe'nahi ayega.yaha 'par' ayega

Zidd bhai ye nayi hain is baat ko dekhte hue maine 'pe' khud se 'par' hi padha hai. Waise 'pe' ko bhi long syllable bola ja sakta hai(My personal view)

zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai



ab saani par aaiye...ulaa par gaur kijiye...waha time ka sense nahi hai,place ka sense hai( teri chaukhaT par=teri hakhat par aakar nahi)

magar saani kahta hai='le jaate hi'.....ek to time sense deta hai,dusra single idea hai to ek seedhe misre me adaa ho to behtar yaha do tukdo me ulajh raha hai......line seedhi nahi hai...iski ek seedhi surat batata hu

Bhai ye TIME ki aapne soch kyu pakad li ye nahi samajh paya. Alfaaz to aisa khul kar nahi keh rahe.
Waise agar deeply dekhein to bahut kam sheyr aise hote hain jin ke ek se jyada matlab na ho. Isliye is baat ka faislaa shayar par hi chhoda jana chahiye.
isi liye to ghazal likhi jaati hai ke theme padhne wale ko clear ho jaaye.

zara sa door le jaao to dum iska nikalta hai....ulaa aur sani ki 'place' ki symmetry bani rahi....misra ek ho gaya...'hi' se bhi bach gaye.

ab ye ban gaya...

ye dil teri hi chakhat par bahalta hai sambhalta hai
zara sa door le jaaoo to dum iska nikalta hai

Bhai sher to bahut achha hua hai par pehle se khaas bhi kya hua hai. Pehle 'hi' tha waha ab 'to' hai'. Kya isi ke liye sher change karna chahiye.

agee ke sher phir kabhi.

ab anjaan sahab ye to maine dekha agar koi chota mota ustad ne bhi dekh liya hota to jaane kya cheer phad kar deta......

tecnique sab seekh sakte hai magar ghazal likhna aate aate hi aata hai...shayad isliye sab ustaad/shayar bhuddhe hote hai.

Bhai aapki baat se poori tarah ittefaaq rakhta hu. Ye art har kisi ko nahi aati. Waise mera matlab aapse thhodi islaah paane ka tha. warna main kabhi bhi ye reply na karta.
Asha karta hu ki aap meri baato'n ko anyathha na lenge

Izaazat deejiye

[Mohammad Kashif]

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन

मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

Kya baat hai

Aadaab Shweta ji aaj pehli baar padha aapko, aur aapka kalaam bahut accha laga aapko padhna aapse umeed hai ki aainda bhi aapke acche - 2 kalaam hame padhne ko milenge meri dili mubarakbaad ke saath daad hazir hai... ese hi likhti rahen....God Bless You...T C

Originally Posted by shweta

Hi All,
M here again.. .. with some poetry (but obvious).
Before posting that... I wanna thanks to few people.. hmm and first thanks goes to "Zidd sahab" .. as without him I couldn't have learn all this meter.. Zidd sahab waisey aap se humaari baat to kabhi ni hui.. magar suna kaafi kuch hai aapkey baare me.. aur agar aapne ye kala "Vikas" ko ni sikhayi hoti to shayad mujhey kabhi ni aati..And thank you vikas for pin pointing my all small error ( with big scolds )

Zidd sahab!!! I wanna dedicate this ghazal to you as you have helped vikas to learn meter and he taught me all and my teacher asked me to dedicate my first metered ghazal to his teacher..

All sdc members ..plz let me know my mistakes


_________________________________________

ye dil teri hi chaukhat pe..bahlta hai samhalta hai..
zara sa door le jate hi dam iska nikaltaa hai

main dun koi khilauna ya ki isko chaand le aaun..
badal tera maiN du kuch bhi ... ye fir bhi kam bahalta hai

na mandir hai..na hi masjid.. na hi iska shivalaa hai..
hua kaafir ye dil meraa..tere dar pe tahaltaa hai..

main karti hu ataa tujhko.. ye dil abse huee tera...
ki rah kar paas bhi mere ..teri khatir machalta hai..

tumhari ho chuki thi jab bhala hoti maiN kya kiski
kiyaa barbaad tumne yuN zamana hatah maltaa hai

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai

__________

ये दिल तेरी ही चौखट पे ..बहलता है संभलता है ..
ज़रा सा दूर ले जाते ही दम इसका निकलता है

में दूँ कोई खिलौना या की इसको चाँद ले आऊं ..
बदल तेरा में दूँ कुछ भी ... ये फिर भी कम बहलता है

न मंदिर है न ही मस्जिद ..न ही इसका शिवाला है
हुआ काफ़िर ये दिल मेरा .... तेरे दर पे टहलता है

में करती हूँ अता तुझको .. ये दिल अबसे हुआ तेरा ...
की रह कर पास भी मेरे ..तेरी खातिर मचलता है ..

तुम्हारी हो चुकी थी जब भला क्या गैर की होती
किया बर्बाद तुमने यूँ ज़माना हाथ मलता है

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन

मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

[shweta]

Originally Posted by Mohammad Kashif

किसी से मैं मिलूं और तुम सराहो और को कुछ दिन

मुहब्बत है "सुखन " इसमें चलो इतना तो चलता है

Kya baat hai

Aadaab Shweta ji aaj pehli baar padha aapko, aur aapka kalaam bahut accha laga aapko padhna aapse umeed hai ki aainda bhi aapke acche - 2 kalaam hame padhne ko milenge meri dili mubarakbaad ke saath daad hazir hai... ese hi likhti rahen....God Bless You...T C

thank you
.................................................. .................................................. .....

[Dhaval]

Shweta jee:

namaste!

aik behterin Ghazal par dil se mubaaraqbaad... andaaz-e-bayaan bahot hi Khoob rahaa...! yuuNhi Parivaar ki Shaan baDhaate rahiye... dil se daad...!

KhuSh raheN... apnaa Khayaal raKheN

duaaoN ke saath ijaazat

aapka

~Dhaval

[shweta]

Originally Posted by Dhaval

Shweta jee:

namaste!

aik behterin Ghazal par dil se mubaaraqbaad... andaaz-e-bayaan bahot hi Khoob rahaa...! yuuNhi Parivaar ki Shaan baDhaate rahiye... dil se daad...!

KhuSh raheN... apnaa Khayaal raKheN

duaaoN ke saath ijaazat

aapka

~Dhaval

.................................................. .................................................. ......


thank you!!!!!!!

[sameer'shaad']

Originally Posted by shweta

shukriya shaad sahab... I am glad u liked the poetry..
the word was "huaa' .. its just a typing mistake.. if u read in hindi font it says "huaa tera" ... btw thanks for pointing it.. next time i'll cross check again before posting... still learning the tictacs of SDC

Oops I am so sorry.. that i haven't seen in Hindi... Just liken your words and deeply drawn at emotions... the word "huee" broken the taste, that's y i asked you to change that.. Sorry for my laziness, from next time will read in both languages...and one thing more as Mr. Zidd told Kuch cheezen aate aate hi aati haiN... aap bhi tic tacs seekh jaaogee.. even i am still try to learn these... lol

take care and do keep lovely writings like this..


Shaad...

[zidd]

Zidd bhai main bhi wo cheezein jaan paunga to mere liye bade rasookh ki baat hogi.

practice makes a man perfect.everthing will come in time.

Chaliye is safar par chalne ka shayad yahi maqsad raha hai mera.

humsab aapke saathi hai...milke chalenge.

Waise aapne jo ek line quote ki hai. Iska matlab bahut negative lagta hai. Aap meri baat ko galat na samjhein

aap negative na len...ek general baat ki hai to get things in proper perspective aur priotriy stress karne ke liye. aap ko personally kuch nahi kaha hai..honestly nothing in the preamble was directed agaist you

Zidd bhai ye nayi hain is baat ko dekhte hue maine 'pe' khud se 'par' hi padha hai. Waise 'pe' ko bhi long syllable bola ja sakta hai(My personal view)

tecnicals are objective things so isme personal opinion ki jagah nahi
'pe' khecha jaa sakta hai,zarur.aur swetaji ko tecnically galat nahi kah sakte.
magar jis jagah 'par' aa sakta hai waha 'pe' istemaal karna ,kaccha istemaal mana jayega.... maine bus information diya. ab padne wale ki marzi accept kare ya nahi ,ya cross check karke accept kare

Bhai ye TIME ki aapne soch kyu pakad li ye nahi samajh paya. Alfaaz to aisa khul kar nahi keh rahe.

bhai ab ye mai aapko nahi samjha sakta....is tarah ki baat ya to turunt pata chal jati hai ya nahi...
.aap bhi bahut accha likhte hai ,so nuance and inflexion ka importance samjhte hai.
ye baat kahna repetion hoga ki alfaaz aksar khulkar nahi kahte ,ya kabhi kabhi to jo kaha hai, vo hi nahi kah rahe hai....
magar uske nuance aur inflexion,context ,uski bandish se ishara milta hai. magar jaisa maine pahle kaha kuch aate aate hi aata hai...
abhi to aapko 2 mahine bhi nahi huye likhte,apne aap ko bhi kuch samay do bhai....mujhe yakeen hai aap is baat ko aaj se 2 mahine baad ek dusri light me dekhenge

Waise agar deeply dekhein to bahut kam sheyr aise hote hain jin ke ek se jyada matlab na ho.

baat sahi hai aapkki

Isliye is baat ka faislaa shayar par hi chhoda jana chahiye.

ab is baat ka itna bada jawaab hai ki aalas ke mare de nahi paunga.
shayar ki marzi hai vo jo chahe likhe.....public ki marzi hai use kaise accept kare. kabhi kabhi audience vo matlab bhi nikal leti hai jo shayar ne socha nahi hota.
baki agar shayar ki marzi hai kuch bhi karne ki to audience ki bhi marzi hai use pasand nahi karne ki..kyu?
aisa samjh lijiye ki jo shayar kuch bhi nahi karte unke naam sabki zabaa par aa jaate hai....aur jo kuch bhi karte hai....vo to kuch bhi karte hai phir.
unfortunatley aisa riwaaj nahi hai ke har sher ke saath shayar uski commentary bhi de...agar aisa hota tovhum aapvyaha baat nahi kar rahe hote aur saare faisle shayar ke haath me hote.
ye baate aap kuch din baad mehsuus karenge ke saare faisle shayar ke haath me nahi hai.

isi liye to ghazal likhi jaati hai ke theme padhne wale ko clear ho jaaye.

ghazal ki koi theme nahi hoti 99 percent.
agar thematic hai to use musalsal ghazal kahnege jaise ke 'chupke chupe'
kabhi kabhi ek ghazal ke 2 sher scheme me hote hai jise shayar ko qita declare karna padta hai.
aap galib,meer etc.kisi ki bhi ghazal sunye kisi aur se ...to sher jumble bhi ho jaaye to koi farq nahi padta...koi bhi sher kisi bhi sequene me pada jaa sakta hai....agar aap kisi galib fan ko kahenge ki koi ghazal sunaoo to zaruri nahi ke vo sher ke sahi sequence me sunaye...aur kuch farq bhi nahi padega...sab sher apne aap me independent hai

Bhai sher to bahut achha hua hai par pehle se khaas bhi kya hua hai. Pehle 'hi' tha waha ab 'to' hai'. Kya isi ke liye sher change karna chahiye.

aapne jab kaha ki accha hua hai to aapka jawaab aapne khud de diya.
mere hisaab se islah ka matlab ye nahi ki shayar ke sher badal do
agar maine sher ko alag bana diya to vo mera sher hoga shayar ka nahi...
yaha maqsad bariki ka importance batana hai...one should always be on ones toes...complacency should never set in.one can never learn enough in one lifetime....so yaha manzil sab kuch jaan.na nahi hai kyuki vo impossible hai,yaha manzil jyada se jyada jaan.na hai....
badkismati se is ki koi ek kitaab nahi hai...mai aapko bata sakta hu jo mujhe pata hai aur aap mujko...isliye sab yaha ikhatta huye hai ke sabki knowledge pool ho jaaye aur collective knowledge bade.
ab ye to nahi kahunga ki pahle se khas kya hai ye bata sakta hu ki pahle se alag kya hai...ab sher me symettry hai,uski rawaani bad gayi hai,'hi'lafz se bach gaye aur do tukde ke badle line ek ban gayi hai (joki maqsad hona chaiye generally)

Bhai aapki baat se poori tarah ittefaaq rakhta hu.

mat rahiye bhai itna bharosa mujpar ya kisipar poori tarah se...cross check kijiye.....isme koi buraii nahi .mai khud bhi aise hi karta hu....
ek faida aur ye crosscheck karne me ki us context ki aur bhi kuch baate pata chal jaati hai.

Ye art har kisi ko nahi aati.

har kisi ke paas kuch na kuch kahne ke liye hai...zinda hai to kuch kahne keliye bhi hai......aate aate sabkuch aa jata hai...ye mera maanna hai.haa ye zarur kahunga ki sirf kisi tarah se mehnat karne se kuch nahi hota....dimag se hota hai...sahi aur honest guidance...baadme mehnat.

Waise mera matlab aapse thhodi islaah paane ka tha. warna main kabhi bhi ye reply na karta.

you are most welcome anytime...agar meri aukaat huii to meri knowledge aapki sewa me hazir hai

Asha karta hu ki aap meri baato'n ko anyathha na lenge

dont worry...ded do saal pahle mai aaphi ke jaisa tha

Izaazat deejiye

mujhe bhi.

regards

[Pradhyuman]

shweta ji,

pehli koshish mein hi aapne do bade naam le liye hai...yeh to woh baat ho gayi.. maldives pe attack kare kaise..US aur russia uske saath hai haha..bahot khoob..

on a serious note..doesnt look like its your first attempt...good keep it up..hope to see some mind-blowing stuff from you..

kisi se maiN miluN aur tum saraho aur ko kuch din
muhabbat hai "sukhan" isme chalo itna to chaltaa hai

kamaal maqta hai.. bahot khoob..daad..

aapka dost,
Pradhyuman