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zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota ...
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kashmiri
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Sad zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota ... - 19th July 2002, 01:22 AM

aadab tamam dosto ,
nai ghazalpesh-e khidmat he , tamam sae darkhast he ke ispar naqidana nazar daleN or khamiiyaN zahir farmaeN , khas tor par feroz ji or maikash ji .....shukriyah ..

ghazal hae :
=======================================
(1)
tera sheda hoN mera to kiiyouN sheda nahiN hotaa
mere phulooN meN jana rang kiiyouN peda nahiN hotaa !

(2)
meri khabooN ki taabereN kiiyouN pori nahiN hotiN ?
kiiyouN tara meri qismat ka rakhshinda nahiN hotaa!

(3)
meri nazrooN meN he taasiir kaNte phuool karne ki !
kiiyouN ae durr-e nenaN to ke tabinda nahiN hotaa ?

(4)
masiiha man kar gherooN se ummid-e shifa kesi ?
dam-e ieesa hoN kiyouN phir dil tera zinda nahiN hotaa ?!

(5)
tera kehna ke shezada hoN kesaa hooN meN shehzada ?
meri jaN ishq ka mahkoom shehzadaa nahiN hotaa

(6)
tujhe ham door se dekheN to tab bhi muskuraate heN
to patthar dil qareeb aakar bhi ... offf ! khanda nahiN hota

(7)
tujhe majboor karta he .. mujhe maghmoom karta he
zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota !!!

(8)
laga SAGAR ko hoNtoN se to pii ja jam ulfat ka
tujhe pehlo meN pakar meN ke afsurda nahiN hotaa

=====================================

faqat ,
sagar kashmiri


azal ke mast heN rakhte heN ham fitrat he mastana

hamiN khum heN hamiN saghar hamiN maikash hamiN saqi

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Bahut khoob!!
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shumaila
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Thumbs up Bahut khoob!! - 20th July 2002, 06:25 PM

Sagar tumhari nayi ghazal bhi bahut acchi lagi...bas tum se ek guzarish hai ki jab ghazleiN likhte ho to saath saath mushkil alfazoN ke maayne bhi darj kar diya karo taake deegar ahbaab ko samajhne meiN asaani ho kyoNki sab ki urdu (jaise ki meri ) itni mazbooT nahi haina..Theek


Sabhi sher apne andar ek khoobsurat andaz liye huye haiN ..magar ye ashaar hume bahut pasand aaye..

tera sheda hoN mera to kiiyouN sheda nahiN hotaa
mere phulooN meN jana rang kiiyouN peda nahiN hotaa !

meri khabooN ki taabereN kiiyouN pori nahiN hotiN ?
kiiyouN tara meri qismat ka rakhshinda nahiN hotaa!

tujhe ham door se dekheN to tab bhi muskuraate heN
to patthar dil qareeb aakar bhi ... offf ! khanda nahiN hota

tujhe majboor karta he .. mujhe maghmoom karta he
zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota !!!

laga SAGAR ko hoNtoN se to pii ja jam ulfat ka
tujhe pehlo meN pakar meN ke afsurda nahiN hotaa


Bahut khoob..likhtey raho!!

DuaooN ke saath,

Tumhari baji,
Shumaila


kabhi kisi ko muqammal jahan nahi milta
kahiiN zameeN to kahiiN aasmaN nahi milta!!
   
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acha ji ..... ( shukriya )
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kashmiri
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Cool acha ji ..... ( shukriya ) - 22nd July 2002, 05:23 PM

salam baji ...

pasand farmane ka shukriya .....

insha allah haainda se khayaal rakkhooN ga . tawajjuh dilane ka shukriya ......
magar itne mushkil to nahiN ......kher ....... thanx

allah hafiz
sagar


azal ke mast heN rakhte heN ham fitrat he mastana

hamiN khum heN hamiN saghar hamiN maikash hamiN saqi

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Feroz
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23rd July 2002, 10:14 AM

sagar sahab

aap kii ghazal paDhii bahut pasaNd aayii, zaahir hai ke urdu zabaan pe aap kii pakaD mujh se kahiiN zyaadaa mazbuut hai.. is liiye maiN shayad aap kii ghazal par apnii rai dene se jhijhak rahaa huuN.. lekin phir bhii
pahlii baat to ye ke aap ka naam hindi waalaa saagar (ocean) hai yaa urdu waalaa saaghar (pyaalaa) hai. ?
ab aap kii ghazal kii taraf aayiye.

ghazal hae :
=======================================
(1)
tera sheda hoN mera to kiiyouN sheda nahiN hotaa
mere phulooN meN jana rang kiiyouN peda nahiN hotaa !
>..... aap kii ghazal kii bahr wahi hai .
hazaaroN khwaahisheiN aisiiN ke har khwhish pe dam nikley ...
ab is raushni meiN aap kii ghazal dekheiN to bahr meiN kuchh khaamiiyaa haiN..
is misrey ko yuN kahiye.
maiN shaidaa huN tera, tu kyuuN meraa shaidaa nahiN hotaa
ab duusrey misrey meiN bhii khraabi hai aap ne jis tarah se #2 misraa likhaa hai us hisaab se to misrey ke aakhiir meiN paida nahiiN 'kartaa' aanaa chaahiye.
waise mujhey is sher ke dono misroN meiN raabtaa saaf nahin nazar aaya.


(2)
meri khabooN ki taabereN kiiyouN pori nahiN hotiN ?
kiiyouN tara meri qismat ka rakhshinda nahiN hotaa!
>.... teen baateiN haiN..
#1. merii urdu meiN jaankaari kam hai lekin mere khyaal meiN KhwaaboN kii "taabiir hotii" hai, "taabiir puurii honaa" kuchh ajiib saa lagtaa hai..
#2. mere khyaal meiN is ghazal ke qaafiye kaa intekhaab durust nahiiN hai. lekin merii is point pe bahut logoN se bahas ho chukii hai.. mere khyaal meiN (you may not agree)
shaida / paida ke baad...
rakhshindaa
taabindaa
shahzaadaa.
khaandaa
afsurdaa wagheraa kii tartiib mujhey kucch jachatii nahiiN lekin ye sirf meraa apnaa zaatii khyaal hai. mere khyaal meiN agar matley meiN shaida aur paidaa istemaal kiya hai to us ke baad "maidaa" jaise lafz istemaal honey chaahiye, lekin zaahir hai ke shaidaa paidaa aur maidaa ke ilaawaa koi aur lafz dhuNdnaa mushkil hai..
#3. wazn ko is tarah se theek kiyaa jaa sakta hai .
mere sapney bataao kyuN bhalaa poorey nahiiN hotey
sitaaraa kyuN merii qismat kaa rakhshandaa nahiiN hotaa.

(4)
masiiha man kar gherooN se ummid-e shifa kesi ?
dam-e ieesa hoN kiyouN phir dil tera zinda nahiN hotaa ?!
>.. wazn ke lihaaz se to sher theek hai, lekin mujhey mafhuum samajhney meiN diqqat aa rahii hai..


ghazal kaafii lambii hai is lliye baaqii phir sahii.

Feroz
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kashmiri
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23rd July 2002, 07:51 PM

aadaab feroz ji ...

aapka jawab par kar behad khushi hoi .....
shukriya aapne itni tawajjuh se jawab dia ..... :

bhai urdu to meri bhi aisi wesi he ....... ab zara aapki batoN ki taraf rujoo karte heN ...

mera takhallus ... ( sagar ) peyaalaa he urdu wala naam ..id se mera khayaal he ( khayaal dosri taraf jata he ) .....
ab zara ghazal ki taraf lote heN :
==========================================
(1)
aapne wazan ka andaza sahih lagaya ...
mafa iilun ( 4 martaba )
mere khayaal meN WAZAN to theek he ...agar shuroo meN
( tera ) ko do mutaharrik or aik sakin ke sath parheN ...

or aapne kaha ke ( karta ) aakhir meN aana chahye to .. meN mukhatab ko sarahatan shikayat nahiN kar raha .......

or rahi rabt ki baat to :
istarah .... he : ae mahboob ! jis tarah meN tum se piyaar karta hoN Q tum ostarah nahiN karte ...
phir meN shikayat karte howe kehta hoN ....mere phool to heN magar onmeN tumari muhabbat ka rang Q nahiN aata ....
===========================================
(2)
awwal to :
kisne kaha ke jankari nahiN ... aapki urdu masha allah buhut piyari he ..... aapke ashaar se andaza hota he
or tabiir ki bat to :
idhar bhi shikayat he .... ke meN tumari chahat ki khabeN to dekhta hoN magar pori Q nahiN hotiN ..

muhawara he ghaliban ( khab pori nahi hoi ) yani oska irada oski tamanna bar nahiN lai ....

qafiye ki bat he to :
mujhe iske bare meN ilm nahiN ......mere ilm ke mutabiq thiik he asal aakhri harf hota he ..........
arbi meN to aisa he urdu ka maluoom nahiN ....

(4)
hazrat iisa - alihis salaam - ka aik mujiza tha ke agar wo kisi shaks par dam kar dete to khuda ki qudrat se wo shaks zinda ho jata tha ..... is se ye baat nikali he .....

iska matlab he :
ae mere mahboob agar meN tere nazdik ....dame issa - alihiss salam ke manind hoN to phir Q mera aisa hona tumare dil ko zinda nahiN karta ...yani muhabbat Q phir ismeN peda nahiN hoti .

baqi aainda sahi .......
or haN bhai awwal to mene jaldi meN jawab likkha he .....or ho sakta he meN jawab dene meN ghalat hoN , isleye meri jahilana tarz se chashm poshi se kaam lijye ...ok

ok
khuda hafiz
sagar kashmiri


azal ke mast heN rakhte heN ham fitrat he mastana

hamiN khum heN hamiN saghar hamiN maikash hamiN saqi

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Bahut achche!
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prasaxena
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Thumbs up Bahut achche! - 25th July 2002, 04:58 PM

Sagar Sahab

Aapki ye nayee ghazal mujhe bedud pasand aayee. Iski techniclal baatoN par hue tabsarey to maiN paRh hi chuka hooN isliye us barey meiN kuch na keh kar meiN zikr karoonga kuch aur baatoN ka.

Sabse pehli baat to ye hai ke urdu zabaan par aapki pakad ghazab ki hai. Phir sher kehne ka aapka andaaz bhi masha allah khoobsoorat aur alag hai.

Aur ummeed hai ke aapke kalam aisey hameiN peRhne ko milte rahenge. Kuch khaas sheroN ka zikr zaroor karoonga kyunke wo mujhe bade pasand aaye -

meri khabooN ki taabereN kiiyouN pori nahiN hotiN ?
kiiyouN tara meri qismat ka rakhshinda nahiN hotaa!

wah kya baat hai. yehi baat main aksar khud se poocha karta hoon.


masiiha man kar gherooN se ummid-e shifa kesi ?
dam-e ieesa hoN kiyouN phir dil tera zinda nahiN hotaa ?!

bahut achche khhob kaha!

tujhe ham door se dekheN to tab bhi muskuraate heN
to patthar dil qareeb aakar bhi ... offf ! khanda nahiN hota

kya baat hai!!


tujhe majboor karta he .. mujhe maghmoom karta he
zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota !!!

ye sher mujhe bahot zyada pasand aaya.


Aapke naye kallam ka intezaar rahega

aapka
Praveen


raah meiN hi manziloN ka zikr mat chedo Praveen
manziloN ne sun liya toh aur woh badh jaayeNgi
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kashmiri
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26th July 2002, 05:16 PM

aadab saxsina ji .

aapki pasandidgi ka shukriya , ye aapka husn-e zan he warna banda kuch bhi nahiiN . insha allah aainda bhi koshish rahe gi aapka husn-e zan qaim rakkhoN .

shukriya
sagar kashmiri


azal ke mast heN rakhte heN ham fitrat he mastana

hamiN khum heN hamiN saghar hamiN maikash hamiN saqi

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Re: zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota ...
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Cool Re: zamana tang karke aah sharmindaa nahiN hota ... - 4th August 2002, 01:00 AM

Sagar sahab

Shayri ki is bazm meiN bande ka yeh pehla qadam hai. Yahan par aata to meiN kafi arsey se raha hoon lekin apni baat kehne ye meri pehli jurrat hai. kyunke kuch shayroN ki shayri padh kar apna kalam post karne ki to himmat nahiN ho payi socha daad se shuruaat karte haiN.

Aapki ye ghazal mujhe badi achchi lagi. Is par tabsare ke naam par mein yehi keh sakat hoon ke is ghazal mein aapne bade hi umdaa khalaat ki mehfil sajaayi hai jisne bad hi lutf andoz kiya hai mere dil-o-dimaag ko. In kuch ashaar ne to khusoosan mutassir kiya

meri nazrooN meN he taasiir kaNte phuool karne ki !
kiiyouN ae durr-e nenaN to ke tabinda nahiN hotaa ?
aji kya kehne!

masiiha man kar gherooN se ummid-e shifa kesi ?
dam-e ieesa hoN kiyouN phir dil tera zinda nahiN hotaa ?!
lajawaab huzoor!

tujhe ham door se dekheN to tab bhi muskuraate heN
to patthar dil qareeb aakar bhi ... offf ! khanda nahiN hota
ai hai kya halaat pesh aaye haiN! Khoob!

aapke taza tareen kalamoN ka intezaar rahega.

sahir


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kashmiri
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6th August 2002, 01:34 AM

aadaab sahir ji ,
ummeed he aap kheriyaat se hoN ge . sab se pehle to aap ka is mehfil meN kher maqdam karte heN , or aapki is ghazal ki pasandidgi ka bhi shukriya , aaindabhi aapka husn-ezan qaim rakhne ki koshish karoN ga .

aapke ashaar ka intizaar rahe ga ..
khuda hafiz
saghar


azal ke mast heN rakhte heN ham fitrat he mastana

hamiN khum heN hamiN saghar hamiN maikash hamiN saqi

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