Ek gujarish

[kiran's]

red Hello everybody,
Mera naam kiran hai aur mein is shayron ki mehphil mein aane ki izazat chahti hoon.Shayri mera shauk bhi hai aur junoon bhi.Aur likhti kaisa hoon ye to padhne waale hi bata sakte hai.To arz karti hoon..........
zindgi se bahut kuch chaha tha maine
magar chahne se sab kuch nahi milta
ye zindgi badi mehngi pathshala hai unki
lakh hum chahe magar dakhila nahi milta
tamam umra yahi soch kar akeli rahi mein
ki sher ke piche kabhi kafila nahi milta
jab bhi kuch likhne baithti hoon to
kabhi radif to kabhi kafiya nahi milta
zindgi sabki bhatakti hai man ke bihad mein
kabhi manzil to kabhi raasta nahi milta
padhne waalon se gujarish hai ki apni rai jaroor likhe ,tabhi apni shayri ki kamiya door kar paoongi.

[Zeba]

Kiran ji mera bhi yehi haal hai,
Mujhe aap ka yeh sher bohot pasand aya hai.

likh leti hoon bohot saal se magar mujhe bhi kabhi radif to kabhi kafiya nahi milta.Likhte rahiye kabhi na kabhi mil hi jaye ga.Yahaan bade acche shayer likhte hai who zaroor bataenge.

Zeba.

[shayri12345]

veri nilce kiran ji i liked the way u expressed the feelings...a sugeestion frm my side...padhne waalon se gujarish hai ki apni rai jaroor likhe ,tabhi apni shayri ki kamiya door kar paoongi.





kyu ki in the end of ever line there is nahi milta..its rhymes real good but then in the end...thoda sa rhyme se bhatak gaye aap...so may be u can put it this way...

...padhne waalon se gujarish hai ki apni rai jaroor likhe
kyu ki hamdardo'n ke saath ke bina kisi ko success nahi milta

id ont know what hindi word to put instead of success as am in hurry but hope u kno what i mean and i hope it helped...
but i luved these lines

ye zindgi badi mehngi pathshala hai unki
lakh hum chahe magar dakhila nahi milta
tamam umra yahi soch kar akeli rahi mein
ki sher ke piche kabhi kafila nahi milta
jab bhi kuch likhne baithti hoon to
kabhi radif to kabhi kafiya nahi milta
zindgi sabki bhatakti hai man ke bihad mein
kabhi manzil to kabhi raasta nahi milta

i think u r a great writer and aapke saath se shayri.com ki mehfil ki shaan bhadegi so your welcome here frm priya's side

Priya

[kiran's]

thank u priya ji aur zeba ji,
Aapke ye shabd hi mere liye inspiration hai.To ab aur achha likhne ki kosish karoongi.
Waise app dono bhi bahut khoob likhti hai.

Thanx to u.
Kiran....
the ray of life.

[nightingale]

aapne bahut achha likha hai kiranji.
shayar to aap malum padte hai achhe.
lagta hai jaise ghalib ne likhi ho koi ghazal.
apne dakhila pa liya hai shayaron ki mehfil mein.
aur 1st rank bhi mil gaya.