1000 jokes mahajokes sammelan

[aditya_neal]

SMS JOKES
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A woman was sitting at a bar when a man approached her
and said, Hi, sweetie! Want a little company? Woman:
Why? Do u have one to sell???



3 friends had walked down to the train station.They
were so busy in their talks that they didnt hear the
train arrive,but they noticed the noise of the train
as it started to depart.After a great rush,2 of them
managed to step onboard.3rd one looked sad so a
passing railway official said,Dont feel bad, atleast 2
out of 3 of u made it.True,but the other 2 were only
here to see me off



Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are
the world s largest Waterfalls and the sound intensity
of the Waterfall is so high, sound of even 20
supersonic planes passing cant be heard! Now may I
request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear
the Niagra falls??



1 drunk asked the other:What a beautiful night,look at
the moon.Other drunk: U are wrong,thats not the
moon,that s the sun.Both started arguing for a while
when they saw another drunk walking; they stopped
him,Sir,pls help settle our argument?Tell us what is
that up in the sky that s shining.Is it the moon or
the sun?3rd man looked at the sky and said,Sorry, I
dont live around here.



Wife:Yester-night I saw a dream that u were sending me
jewellery and clothes! Husband: Yeah, I saw ur dad
paying the bill !!!



A rabbit and a lion entered a restaurant and sat
together at a table. I will have a bowl of hay and a
side order of carrots, the rabbit told the
waiter.Waiter: And what will ur friend have?Rabbit:
Nothing.Waiter: Isnt he hungry? Rabbit: If he were
hungry, wud I be sitting here??



Boss was on the 25th floor of a building;he called up
the clerk on the ground floor for an important
file.Since it was urgent,the boss told the clerk it
was an emergency and that he shud hurry with the
file.After more than 30mins. the clerk appeared all
tired and panting for breath.Boss:What took u so
long?Clerk:When I went to the lift it said during an
emergency please use the staircase.




Professor of literature asked a general question in
the class. According to English rites, why do bride
and groom shake hands at the time of wedding? Rohan:
It s similar to the customary ceremony of shaking
hands by 2 wrestlers before entering the wrestling
arena.



Mr. Verma got the following letter: If u dont send
Rs.2 lakhs within 3 days time, we will kidnap ur
wife.To this, he sent the following reply: I m very
sorry,I cant fulfill ur demand, but I m sure u ll keep
up ur promise.



Judge to accused: Have you anything to offer before I
pass sentence on you?Accused: No, Your Honour. My
lawyer took my last dollar.



A man got a call from his doctor who said I have some
bad news and some terrible news, which would u rather
hear Ist?Man:The bad news.Doctor:The lab messed up ur
tests and when they re-did them,they found out u only
have 48 hrs to live. Man:What could be more terrible
than that?Doctor:we tried all day yesterday to get
hold of u but ur phone was busy!



One day Sheela and Shubha were discussing about their
husbands. Sheela: My husband loves her mother more
than does he love me. Shubha: How do u know that?
Sheela: Yesterday,I asked him if I and his mother were
drowning,whom of the 2 wud he save? Shubha: What did
he say? Sheela: His mother, ofcourse. What shud I do
now? Shubha: Start learning Swimming.



Doctor: Did u take my advice about ur insomnia and
count before going to sleep? Patient: Yes.I got as far
as 24,534 and then it was time to get up.



The newly married couple was in a restaurant and both
of them agreed upon the same dish. Husband: U see, we
are just like one person. Wife: I know sweetheart, but
don't forget to order lunch for two.








Wife: Im ashamed of the way we live; papa pays the
house rent, my brother sends food and clothing, aunty
pays our electric and water bills and my friend Sheela
buys us movie tickets.I dont like to complain but now
its too much. Husband: U shud be ashamed; uve still
got 1 sister and 2 brothers, who dont send us even a
single penny.



Son: Dad,wat is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person
who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and
long way that another person who is listening to him
cant understand him.Do u understand me? Son: No.



Viru and Jai met each other after 10yrs. Jai: By now,
ur son must have reached college…how is he doing
there? Viru: He s very thorough…he spends 3yrs. in
every class.



2 hunters were out in the woods when 1 of them
collapsed. He doesnt seemed to be breathing and his
eyes were glazed. The other guy took out his phone and
called the emergency services.He gasped: My friend is
dead! What can I do? Operator:Calm down,I can help.
Ist,lets make sure he s dead. There was a silence,then
a gunshot was heard. Back on the phone,the guy
said:Ok, now what?



Raj went into a pub,asked for a scotch,drank it and
got up to leave. The barman yelled,Hey, where s my
money? Raj:I paid u. Then Jai came in,drank a scotch
and did the same. When a 3rd man entered and ordered a
scotch,the barman told him,2 men came in and asked for
scotch just like u then left saying they d paid. What
do u think about that?Man: Stop babbling and give me
my change



10 men and a girl were hanging on to a rope that
extends down from a helicopter. The weight of 11
people was too much for the rope,so 1 of them had to
jump.No one cud decide who shud go,until finally the
girl volunteered.She gave a touching speech,saying she
will sacrifice her life to save others.When she
finished speaking, all the men started clapping.



Manager: Leave ur address and we ll call u when we
need an old stenographer. Applicant: Old stenographer?
But I m a young one. Manager: Never mind. By the time
we call u, u ll be an old one.




What time does the library open? the man on the phone
asked. Librarian:9A.M. But why did u call me at home
in the middle of the night to ask a question like
that? Not until 9A.M.? the man asked in a disappointed
voice. Librarian:No, not till nine A.M. But why do u
want to get in before 9A.M.?Who said I wanted to get
in? the man sighed sadly. I want to get out.



Having lost his donkey Mohan, got down to his knees
and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and
asked, Ur donkey is missing; what are u thanking God
for ? Mohan:I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I
wasnt riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing too.



2 boys were arguing when the teacher entered the
room.The teacher says,Y r u arguing? One boy
answers,We found Rs.100 note and decided to give it to
whoever tells the biggest lie. U should be ashamed of
urselves, sd the teacher,When I ws ur age I didnt even
know what a lie ws. The boys gave the Rs.100 note to
the teacher.



A young man was hired by a supermarket. On his Ist
day,the manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile,gave him a broom,and said, Ur Ist job will be
to sweep out the store.But I m a college graduate, the
young man replied indignantly.Manager: Oh,I m sorry.I
didnt realize that.Here, give me the broom -- I ll
show you how.



A pessimist, and optimist, and an engineer were having
breakfast together. They all had their glasses half
full of whatever they were drinking when they stopped
to look at them. Pessimist:My glass is half empty.
Optimist:My glass is half full. Engineer:Who has made
this glass?It has twice the mass required to hold the
fluid.



2 bachelors were talking about their respective choice
of life partner.First said,It is generally said that
people with opposite characteristics make the happiest
marriages. Wats ur opinion? The friend
replied,Yes,they r right.Thas y I am looking for a
girl with money!



Rajo u know that Jai was wounded in the war because
he was wearing a Mosquito net instead of Bullet proof
jacket. Viru:But why was a wearing the mosquito net?
Raj:He thought how can a bullet pierce it when a small
mosquito cant pierce it!







Teacher: Today, were going to talk about the tenses.
Now, if I say I am beautiful, which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.



Seema: Raj, did u like my performance in my last play
on the stage? U know, after my death scene in that
play, my parents cried like anything. Raj: It may be
very true, because ur parents knew u were not actually
dead.



Jai: Suhasi, is that ur son who is putting water in my
hat? Suhasi: No Jai, thats my husbands hat. My son is
just over there burying ur coat in sand.



Jai and Raj robbed a bank and messed it up,managing to
escape with 2 bags that they found on the floor.They
took 1 bag each.After awhile they met again and Jai
asked Raj, What did u find in your sack? Raj: Rs.10
lakhs. Jai: That s great! What did u do with the cash?
Raj: I bought a house.How about ur bag? Jai:It was
full of bills...little by little I'm paying them off.



Mr. Smith receives a phone call: Sir, u can win our
top prize of million Rs. instantly if u answer with a
NO to my first question. Are u ready? Man: YES.



CEO was scheduled to speak at an important occasion,
so he asked Ram to write an interesting 20-minute
speech.When the CEO returned from the big event, he
was furious. CEO:Ram! Why did u write an hour-long
speech; half the audience walked out before I
finished.Ram : I wrote a 20-minute speech and I also
gave u the 2 extra copies u asked for.



Lawyer: How many passengers were there in ur taxi?
Driver:4. Lawyer:And u drove them to a lonely place
and killed them? Driver:Yes, sir. Lawyer:What do u
have to say now? Driver:Who will pay the taxi fare???







(Dialogue between computer hardware engineer and
manager) Engineer : Sir, you cant use this printer
right now because I dont have driver for it.
Manager:Oh my driver is idle sitting in car, u can use
him.



Mohan: What would you like to do today? Sohan:I m not
sure. Let s think... Mohan: No, let s do something
that u too can do.



Nurse to patient:How old r u, Ria? Ria:None of ur
business. Nurse:But the doctor must know ur age for
his records. Ria:Ok,1st multiply 20 by 2, then add 10.
Got that? Nurse:Yes,50. Ria:Ok,now subtract 50.
Nurse:Zero??? Ria:And thats exactly the chance of



Ram: I have finally made a resolution this year.
Shyam: That s great! What s ur resolution? Ram: I have
decided that I am going to live within my income this
year even if I have to borrow money to do it.



Viru was in hospital after he lost his arm in an
accident.Jai: It was really bad that you lost ur
hand.However thank God that it was your left hand,
since u r right handed.Viru: It is also coz of my
quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which
was going to be caught in the machine.Then I realised
that I am right handed and so switched hands just in
time.



In a General knowledge class, the teacher asked
students about the difference between a king and a
president. Ramu quickly replied, A king is the son of
his father, while a president is not.



1 morning,a mother went in to wake up her son.'Wake
up,son. Its time to go to school!' Son:No,I dont want
to go.Mother:Give me 2 reasons why u dont want to
go.Son:Well, the kids hate me for 1, and the teachers
hate me,too! Mother:Thats no reason; come on now and
get ready.Son:Give me 2 reasons why I shud go to
school.Mother:Well, for 1,u r 52 yrs. old.And for
another,u r the Principal






Once three turtles decided to go on a picnic.When they
got there,they realized they had forgotten the
soda.The youngest turtle said he would go home and get
it if they wouldnt eat the snacks until he got back. A
week went by, then a month, finally a year,two turtles
said: oh,come on, lets eat the snacks.Suddenly the
little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said:If
you do,I wont go!



I cant see very far, the patient told the optician.
Optician: Come outside. Whats that in the sky?
Patient: The sun. Optician: How much further do u want
to see?



Mother: What did u learn in school today? Jai: How to
write. Mother: What did u write? Jai: I dont know,
they havent taught us how to read yet.



Shiela:U know, I broke my engagement with Jai.
Leela:Hows that? Shiela:U see, my feelings are changed
completely from what they were when I accepted him.
Leela:But why do u still wear the ring? Shiela:Oh, my
feelings toward the ring are just the same.



Herolal joined a company as a trainee.On his 1st day
he dialed for canteen and shouted:Get me a tea
quickly.Man from other side: U fool uve dialed wrong
extension! Do u know who u r talking to? Herolal:No.
Man:Its the M D of the company,u fool. Herolal: And do
u know who U r talking to, u fool? Man: No! Herolal:
Good!



A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being
cross-examined.The lawyer thundered, Have u ever been
married? Yes, sir, said the witness in a low voice.
Once. Lawyer: Whom did u marry? Witness: Well, a
woman. The lawyer said angrily, Of course, u married a
woman. Did u ever hear of anyone marrying a man?
Witness: My sister did.



A man was weeping in the zoo, so a woman comes up to
him and asked why he was crying. Man:An elephant died
today.Woman:And u r crying because he was a friend of
urs? Man:No, its because I have to bury him.






Chemistry Teacher: What happens if we leave a piece of
iron outside? Rohan: It rusts. Teacher: And if we
leave a piece of gold? Rohan: It disappears.



Two men are talking. The first said, I got married
because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house,
doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes. Amazing,
said the second, I just got divorced for the very same
reasons.



Boss:Jai, do u believe in life after death? Jai:Yes,
but why did u ask this? Boss:Because while u were at
ur grandmothers funeral yesterday, she came to the
office to see u.



Karan was very upset to see the report card of his
son, so he started scolding him; U know, when Abraham
Lincoln was of ur age, he was earning his own living .
Son:I dont know that, but I do know that when he was
of ur age, he was the President of Americ



Viru:Bhiru, last year the name-plate outside ur house
read Bhiru B.A. This year it reads Bhiru M.A.;when did
u get ur Masters degree? Bhiru:U dont understand. Last
year my wife died,I put B.A to indicate Bachelor
Again. Then I took a 2nd wife, so M.A. is



Husbandarling,I think I should get u a chefs
cap.Wife:Im very happy to know that u liked the food
so much;but there was nothing new in it.Husband:Its
just that I found 2 of ur hair in it.



Maths teacher: Tell me Rohan, if u have 4 mangoes and
I ask u to give me 3, what will be left? Rohan:Four.
Teacher: How? Rohan: Well, Im not a fool to give u the
mangoes!




After becoming famous actor Mr.Popat decides to pose
for a picture.To show he is down to earth he decides
to pose along with a herd of buffaloes and resting his
elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the
photo.Next day the photo appears on front page of a
newspaper with captionMr.Popat, third from left.



Viru and Basanti were walking down the road when
Basanti turned to Viru and said, Hey look at that dog
with one eye! Viru covered up one of his eyes and
asked, Where?



Thief : Quickly hand over ur purse,I have a gun. Lady:
Here take it. Thief : Ha! ha! No bullets in my gun.
Lady: Ha! ha! No money in my purse.



Sita: Gita,u r looking different today. Gita:
Yes,doctor has asked me to loose some weight. Sita: So
have u lost. Gita: Yes, I have stopped putting my make
up.



A little girl was travelling in a bus with her mother.
The bus conductor approached her and asked, How old
are u? Girl: Only 6. Conductor: And when will u be 10?
Girl: As soon as I get down from the bus.



Teacher: Y r u late? Student: There ws a man who lost
a Rs.100 note. Teacher: Thats nice.Were u helping him
look for it? Student: No,I was standing on it.



Pilot to flight attendant: Bring me some some cotton
balls for my ears.Flight attendant: Does the roar of
engines hurt ur ears?Pilot: No, but the screaming
will, when Ill announce that weve lost our landing
gear.



A heavily drunk man went to church on a Sunday,few
minutes before the mass began.The priest, who was
standing outside the church,asked him,Don't u know
that its a sin to come to church after drinking
alcohol? The man replied coolly, I know that, Father.I
have come to confess,to purge my sins.



Little Ria: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Ria, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Ria:
But I asked first!



A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted.
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: You can have mine.



On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had
his eyes closed. Whats the matter? Are you sick? he
asked. No, Im okay,Its just that I hate to see old
ladies standing.



Mr.Popat believed five was his special number.He was
born on May 5,had five children and lived at 555 Fifth
Avenue. At the races on his 55th birthday, he was
delighted to find a horse named Fifo running in the
fifth race from barrier 5. Exactly five minutes before
the race, Mr.Popat went to betting window No.5 and put
5000 Rs.on Fifo.It finished fifth.



Birju was heavily drunk, so he was caught and taken to
the nearest police station. Birju:Whyve I been brought
here? Inspector:Uve been brought in for drinking.
Birju:Great! When do we start it!!!



Applying for a job as an industrial spy, 6 applicants
were each given a sealed envelope and told to take
them to the 4th floor.As soon as he was alone, one man
opened his envelope. Inside was a message that read:
Ure our kind of person. Report to the 5th






With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship
was sinking fast. He called out, Does anyone here know
how to pray?One man stepped forward. Yes, Captain, I
pray a lot. Good, said the captain. U pray while the
rest of us put on life jackets. Were one short.



Amit : Meet my new born brother.Bunty : Oh, he is so
handsome! Whats his name? Amit : I dont know. I cant
understand a word he says.



After firing 50 bullets there is only one hole in ur
target! the officer-in-charge shouted at a trainee
soldier. Soldier: Thats not my fault sir, all the
bullets must have gone through the same hole!



The collector asked Popatlal for his rail ticket.
Popat searched his pockets but could not find it.
Never mind, reassured the collector, I will take your
word that you bought your ticket. That is very kind of
you, replied Popat,but if I dont find it, I want to
know where to get off.



Lost in Sahara Desert, a tourist begged a passing
tribesman for water.Tribesman: Sorry,I have no
water,but I do have a selection of lovely ties for
sale.U must be crazy,sd tourist and walked on.He saw a
hotel far in the distance.Crawling at last into the
lobby,he croaked,Please give me water. Im sorry, sir,
the doorman said.We dont let anyone in without a tie.



A customer at a restaurant said: Waiter,I think Ive
had too much to drink;please give me something thatll
wake me up. Waiter:Sure sir, Ill bring u ur bill
immediately.



While at the college Viru happened to watch the notice
board.It reads: Invites suggestions for the
modification of Ladies Room. Viru writes under -Let
the men Permit to Enter.







Patient: Everyday you probe my wound,it hurts me a
lot.Doctor : Well, I must find the bullet.Patient: why
didnt you say that before? I had it in my pocket all
the time.



Raj returned from the office and asked his wife, why
the dinner wasnt ready. Wife:U only abused the maid on
telephone and now u are asking why the dinner is not
ready! Husband:Oh, Im so sorry. When I was speaking on
the phone, I thought it was u!



Teacher:Viki! U tell me why do we use the term etc.?
Viki:Its so simple sir, its just to make people think
that we know much more than we actually do.



Bobby and Sony were working on a roof, when Bobby
slipped and fell to the ground.Sony leaned over and
called out: Are u dead or alive,Bobby? Bobby:Alive.
Sony:U are a liar.I dont know whether to believe u or
not. Bobby:Then I must be dead,because u would



Friend to a new actor: Is ur 1st picture a tragedy or
comedy? New actor: It all depends on the sale of
tickets. Friend: What do u mean by sale of tickets?
New actor: If lot of tickets are sold, its a comedy,
otherwise its a tragedy.



The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day and
so, at breakfast, she asked her husband for Rs.100.
Husband:Money, money, money! Every day of the week, u
want more money. If u ask me, I think u need brains
more than u need money. Wife:Perhaps so, but I asked u
for what I thought u had the most of.



Doctor: The cheque u gave me came back. Patient:Thats
funny…so did my backache.




Som and Sheela went for skiing, Som brought along a
big thermos. Sheela had never seen one,so she asked
what it was. Som:Its a thermos.The shopkeeper told me
its used for keeping hot things hot and cold things
cold.Sheela: Thats great! What do u have in it? Som: 3
coffees and an ice-cream.



Ravi wanted to lose weight desperately and so he
consulted a doctor.The doctor told him that if he ran
8 kms a day for 300 days,he would lose 34 kgs.Ravi
followed the doctors advice and at the end of 300
days,he called the doctor to report that he had
actually lost weight,but had a problem.Whats the
problem?, asked the doctor. I am 2400 kilometers away
from home,sd Ravi



A: Just look at that young person with the short hair
and blue jeans.Is it a boy or a girl? B: Its a
girl.Shes my daughter. A: Oh, Im sorry, sir. I didnt
know that u were her father. B: Im not. Im her mother.




The hostess at a party served a guest a glass of cold
drink.Next,she offered same to another man, who said,I
would rather like to have a hard drink.Hearing
this,the first man poured his cold drink back into the
bowl and said, Sorry, I didnt know we had a choice.



Believing that Mr. Kumar will forget their 40th
wedding anniversary, Mrs. Kumar tried to refresh his
memory by saying: Do u realize, its exactly 40yrs.
today that weve been sitting on the same chairs every
morning. Mr. Kumar: So? Do u want to swap the chairs?



On his Ist day to jail,Ram heard the other inmates
laughing after one of them called out a
number.Mystified,he asked his cellmate Viru what was
happening. Viru:V know all our jokes so well that to
save time we've numbered them.Thinking he would join
in,Ram shouted 208.To his amazement, everyone started
to laugh. Viru wiped tears from his eyes and said, "We
hadn't heard that one before.



Husband:I am tired of our marriage; u keep one side of
the house and Ill keep the other. Wife:Perfect! U keep
the outside.




Why does a Popat keeps empty beer bottles in his
fridge? They are there for those who don t drink.



An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes
to see his doctor.Doctor, I just cant get to sleep at
night.Doctor asked, Have you tried counting sheep?
Thats the problem - I make a mistake and then spend 3
hours trying to find it.,he replied.



(Viru dialled to talk to his dear pal Jai)Is that
1234?.asked Viru. No this is 1235,came the reply.
After thinking for few secs,Viru replied,No matter,
please call Mr.Jai from next door.



A man was driving down the road when he saw a sign
that says, Watch for fallen rocks.A few miles ahead,
he saw some rocks at the side of the road, so he
stopped and picked them up. He carried the rocks to
the Highway maintenance office and put them on the
counter.Man:Here r ur fallen rocks.Now, give me my
watch.



Bhima died and met Yamraj. Yamraj:Weve checked ur life
and we didn't find something really good or bad.So we
don't know what to do with u.Can u help? Bhima thot
for a sec. and said,Ya once I helped a girl who was
being harassed by a gang,so I went to thei



Mohanad, can u write in the dark? Father:I think so.
But what do u want me to write? Mohan:Ur name on this
report card.



Jai went to a bar and called the waiter, Can I have a
glass of less, please? Barman: I'm sorry, but that's a
new one to me. Where did u hear about it? Jai: Well,
only last week my doctor advised me to drink less.

Judge: There are 5 eyewitnesses that say they saw u
run off with the typewriter, yet u claim it was a case
of mistaken identity? Accused: Thats right, ur
honour…I thougt it was a cash register.



Jai had a dream of flying helicopters,so he bought 1
and took lessons.During his 1st solo flight,the
helicopter went up and then down, down-hard.What
happened? instructor asked Jai came out of the
wreckage.Jai:Its like,I took her up to 1000mts,no
problem.So,I took her up to 2000mts,no problem.Then,I
took her up to 3000mts and it started getting a bit
cold,so I turned off the ceiling fan.



Raj: Darling,do you think you can live on my income?
Neha: Of course,I can,dear,but what will u live on?



Jai and Viru went into a pub and after ordering two
beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and
started to eat them.You cant eat your own sandwiches
in here, complained the pub-owner. So both of them
exchanged their sandwiches.



A corrupt man offered a politician a new car in return
for a favour. You know I cant accept that, the
politician protested. Its bribery. The man pointed out
that he could sell the car to the politician for Rs 50
thousand.In that case, said the politician,Ill take
two.



A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approaches her
and says,Hi, sweetie. Want a little company? Why? asks
the woman. Do you have one to sell?



Im fed up with ur jealousy, a wife tells her husband.
Do u think I dont realise re having me followed by a
private detective whos tall, handsome, has green eyes
and is very nice, though a little shy at first?






Rich Father: Well,young man,speak quickly! Do you want
to marry my daughter or want to borrow money? Young
man:I would prefer both.



Mr Sharma said to Mr Verma:Your son just threw a rock
at me as I passed by. Mr.Verma: Did it hit u? Mr
Sharma:No. Mr Verma: well then,mister,it wasnt my son
.



Viru: Why is prime minister not seen in morning. Jai:
Because he is pm not am.



Once Viru was walking.He had a gloves on one hand and
not on other, so a man asked him why did he do so.He
replied that the weather forecast announced that on
one hand there would be cold and on the other hand
there would be hot.



Teacher: Mohan, how do you spell crocodile? Mohan:
K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L. Teacher: No, thats wrong. Mohan:
Maybe its wrong, but you ask me how I spell it.



Landlord:Well, u havent paid ur rent for the last
month. Tenant:No? Im sorry for that but I hope u will
hold me on to ur agreement? Landlord:Agreement! Which
agreement? Tenant:Well, when u rented me the house, u
said I must pay in advance or not at all.



Pinku was brought to court on charges of drunken
driving. Just before the trial, there was a commotion
in the gallery.The judge pounded the gavel on his
table and shouted, Order, order. Pinku immediately
responded, Thank u , ur honour, I will have a sc




Once a man went to a pet shop to buy a talking parrot.
He saw a parrot with a red string tied to one of his
legs and a blue one to the other. He asked the
shopkeeper, What are these strings for? Shopkeeper: If
u pull the red string, the parrot speaks French and if
u pull the blue one he speaks English! Man: Wow! And
what if I pull both the strings? The parrot screams
from the cage, I ll fall down, stupid!



While filling out an employment application, a man
paused over the question, person to notify in case of
an accident. After some thought, he finally wrote,
Anybody in sight.



Husband:We missed the flight just because of u.Cant u
get ready on time? Wife:Relax! It was just a matter of
seconds; and if u had not kept hurrying me all the
time, we would have arrived later and would not have
to wait so long for the next flight.



Raj: So your wife no more fights with you! Prem:Yes.
Raj: How is this possible? Prem: She died.



A temple visitor to a beggar:well, aren't u ashamed of
urself to stand here begging outside the temple?
Begger: what do u expect?Should I open an office for
this purpose?



At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,Arent
u wearing ur wedding ring on the wrong finger? The
other replied,Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.



The doctor to the patient:You are very sick.The
patient to the doctor: Can I get a second opinion?.The
doctor again: Yes, you are very ugly too…




Mother: Did u enjoy ur 1st day at school? Girl: 1st
day? Do u mean I have to go back tomorrow?



Sheela: Working full time and trying to do the
housework gets me down. Today I came home and washed
the clothes and the dishes. Tomorrow I have to clean
the kitchen floor and the front windows. Leela: What
about your husband? Sheela: No way! He can wash
himself!



Man:My barber has invented a fantastic machine.You
stick ur head in and it shaves u in a matter of
seconds. Friend:Thats impossible! Everyones head is
shaped differently. Man:Sure,but only at first.



Viru stayed on the ground floor of a building and Jai
on the 25th floor.One day wen the lift ws nt
working,Jai invited Viru for dinner.Viru trudged up to
25th floor to find Jais flat locked frm outside and
had a note which readid u enjoy ur dinner? Not to be
outdone,wrote under it,Sorry,I cud nt make it.



Jai had just entered bar when a man shouted: Run for
ur lives! Gabbar is coming!. As every1 scattered, an
giant man burst through the doors and said,Give me a
drink.Jai quickly handed a bottle of whisky.The huge
man downed it in one gulp,then ate the
bottle.Paralysed with fear. Jai:Cn I get u another
drink? Man:No,Ive got to go.Dint u hear,Gabbar is
coming!



Viru: U have to be fit to play cricket, dont u? U
certainly do.I get up at 5, run for 2 miles, come back
and do 4 hours of exercises. Jai: How long have u been
doing it?.Viru: I started yesterday.



The enormous diamond ring Mrs.Dutt wore on a luxury
cruise attracted much attention from fellow
passengers. Its the American diamond, she told her
table companions,but it carries a terrible curse.
Whats the curse? they asked.Mr.Dutt, explained the
woman.



Jai: I have heard that ur uncle went to jail for
stealing. Viru: Thats not right…he went to jail
because he got caught stealing.



The traffic policeman stopped the car driver for
crossing the traffic signal on a red. Didnt u see the
red light? growled the policeman. Rohan: Yes I did,
but I didnt see u!



Som was drinking at a bar when he received a telephone
call. He had just bought glass of beer and didnt want
anyone to drink it.So,he wrote a little sign and left
it by his beer that said: Theres a cockroach in my
beer. When he returned, there was another



Gopi went to see the movie Jurassic Park in a theatre.
One of the shots showed the dinosaurs running directly
towards the audience and Gopi lowered in his
seat.Seeing his state,his friend, Somu asked, Whats
the matter? Why are u afraid? Its only a film.



Doctor:It appears ur complaint is hereditary.
Patient:Thank u, doctor. Now u better send my bill to
my grandfather.



Raj was sitting on his porch, when a man walked up
with a pad and pencil in his hand. Raj: What can I do
for u? Are u selling something? Man: No, sir, Im not.
Im a Census Taker. Raj: A what? Man: A Census Taker,
were trying to find out how many people are in the
India. Raj: Well, ure wasting ur time here, I have no
idea.



As a policeman wrote a ticket for speeding, the driver
got furious: What the hell do I do with ur ticket?
Policeman: Keep it, when u collect 12, u'll get a
bicycle!


A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness
stand in court.He was approached by the defense lawyer
who asked, Did anyone tell u what to say in court?
Boy:Yes Sir. Lawyer:I thought so.Who was it? Boy:My
father,sir. Lawyer:And what did he tell u?



Teacher:Raju, name one important thing we have today
that we didnt have 15 years ago. Raju:Me!



Rajs father came home from his doctor and, though
usually quite active with the children, seemed to make
every effort to avoid them.Raj noticed his dad
avoiding the kids and asked him the reason.Immediately
his father took out the prescription out of his pocket
and handed it to Raj.His father said,Read the label.
Raj took the bottle and read, Take 2 pills a day.Keep
away from children.



Mohan goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
Sir, he says, were doing some heavy house-cleaning at
home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the
top floor and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.
Boss:Were short-handed, Mohan. I cant give u the day
off. Mohan:Thanks, Sir! I knew I could count on u.



Doctorid u take my advice about ur insomnia and
count before going to sleep? Patient:Yes.I got as far
as 24,534 and then it was time to get up.



With the storm raging, the captain realised his ship
was sinking fast. He called out,Does anyone here know
how to pray?One man stepped forward.Yes, Captain, I
pray a lot. Good,said the captain.You pray while the
rest of us put on life jackets. Were one short.



Judge to accused:Have u anything to offer before I
pass sentence on u? Accused:No,Your Honour. My lawyer
took my last note



Teacher: Anil, why do u always get so dirty? Anil:
Well, Im a lot closer to the ground than u r!!



--

[qqplus]

A M A Z I N G

are kahaa se mila ye stock? bahut khub. keep them coming my dear friend... wah wah

Apurva.

[Rubeena Parveen]

hi
neal ji

ye collection to bahut zabardast he

ek saath itna sara hazam nahi ho raha tha

maza a gaya likhte rahiye magar thoda thoda dijiye nahi to heart attack hone ka khatra he hamara bhi khayal kijiye

keep writing

take care

bye