Kisse Yousuf aur Guru ke - 2

[Afshan]

Aadaab dostoN!

Aap sab ko shayad yaad ho, humaari sabse pehli short story, jisme Yousuf aur Guru main kirdaar the.. well, humne socha ki kyu na inhe hi humaari agli kahaani me use karein.. Pichhli kahaani me Yousuf 'Protagonist' tha, is story me Guru hai.. Kahaani me, no doubt, is baar bhi kaii ghalatiyaan hongi, kaii flaws honge.. I would appreciate it if the people who read it also provide me with criticism..

__________________________________________________ __

Barsaat ka mausam tha.. Mumbai ki saRkon par paani hi paani tha.. Subah ka waqt tha.. magar phir bhi andhera chhaaya hua tha.. BaRe sheher ki baRi bheeR.. gaaRiyaan, buses, Motorcycle, footpath par chalet logon par paani uRaate hue, apni hi dhun me chali jaa rahi thi.. Kuchh bachche, raincoat aur gum-boots pehen kar, paani me khel rahe hai.. hans rahe the.. raste par chalet log nahi dikh rahe the, unki chhatriyaan zaroor nazar aa rahi thi, kabhi kaali, kabhi rang birangi..sheher ka shor maano saawan me kahin kho gaya tha..

Apne kamre ki khiDki me khaRa, Gurmez ye nazaara dekh raha tha.. dekh raha tha ya apne hi khayaalon me khoya hua tha.. reh reh kar uske chehre par chhoti si muskaam chhaati, aur phir ghaayab ho jaati.. aur uske badle ek dard se bhari shikanj maathe par chhaa jaati..KhiRki ki kaanch par se behta paani ka aks uske chehre par nazar aa raha tha.. Yun lag raha tha ki aansu uska chehra bhigo rahe hain.. Baahar bhi saawan tha, aur uske dil me bhi kahin barsaat ho rahi thi..

Yun to Gurmez sabke liye ‘Guru’ tha.. humesha hansta, bolta, muskuraata, mazaak masti karta.. khud bhi maze karta aur doston ki bhi mauj hoti.. sher me rehte doston ki udaas zindagi me thodi si khushi bikherta.. jab bhi kisi dost ko madad ki zaroorat hoti, to sabse pehla haath Guru ka baRta.. Koi dost ghalati se ‘Thanks’ keh de, to peeth par zor se maar kar kehta ‘Oye! Chup karr!’.. sabka pyaara.. sabka dost, Guru.

Magar Guru khud se khush nahi tha.. use aisa lagta tha, jaise wo kisi bhi kaabil nahi.. Jab wo sheher aaya tha, tab uske kitne bare sapne the.. Engineering college se kaafi ache numberoN se paas hua tha.. wo aur uska sabse kareebi dost, Yousuf. Sapne to bohat dekhe the.. Kisi achhi company me naukri milegi.. mehnat aur lagan se khoob tarakki karenge.. bare sheher me baRa naam hoga.. khoob paisa hoga.. khoob khushiyaan hogi..

Gurmez ek IT ki company me data entry clerk tha.. yousuf bhi usi company me tha, magar zara oonche darje pe.. Gurmez ka kaam bohat saral tha, bilkul aasaan.. ye kaam karne ke liye use Engineering degree nahi chaahiye thi.. Paise milte to the, magar Engineer jaise nahi.. wo ThaaT, wo darja.. wo daulat.. wo khushiyaan.. sab sapna hi lagti hi.. Gurmez ko lagta wo kisi laayak nahi..

Uske gaNv me ek laRki thi.. Dubli patli, baaki laRkiyon se zara lambi.. lambe ghane baal the uske jinhe wo do chotiyoN me baandh kar rakhti.. dhoop me suraj se sunehre lagte the.. baRi baRi bhuri bhuri aankhein thi.. pari lagti thi.. jaan chhiRakta tha Guru us par.. Jaise har ma jaanti hai, waise hi Guru ki ma uske dil ka raaz jaanti thi.. Usne Guru se kaha tha ki jab wo sheher me naukri karne lagega, to wo uski shaadi ki baat us laRki ke maa baap se karegi.. Kuchh mahine ne pehle Guru ki ma ne apna waada nibhaaya.. Lekin un logo ne naa kar di… laRki ke liye ek Engineer ka rishta aaya tha, usi se karne waale the. Guru ka dil chuur ho gaya.. use apne aap se nafrat si hone lagi..

Us par uski behen ki shaadi karne ke liye paise jama karne the.. jis raftaar se ye ho raha tha, 20 –25 saal me behen ka kanyadaan to ho hi jaata.. Apne pariwaar ki chhoti moti zarooratein puuri na karna.. Guru ko bebas kar jaata.. mayuus kar jaata.. Magar sabse zyada use dard pohonchta jab wo apni maa ki koi zaroorat puuri nahi kar paata.. Wo elauta beta tha unka.. Pta ko guzre hue kaafi waqt ho gaya tha.. Uski maa ki umr dhal rahi thi.. umr ke saath saath, uski sehat bhi bigaRti chali jaa rahi thi.. pehle haDDiyoN me dard shuru hua.. phir unhe saans ka problem bhi ho gaya.. kuchh mahine pehle uski tabiyat kuchh zyada hi kharaab ho gayi.. Hospital le jaane par pata chala ki use dil ka daura paRa tha.. doctor kehte the ki operation karna paRega.. magar kisi ache doctor ke paas jaane ke liye beshumaar paisoN ki zaroorat paRti.. jiske liye uski maa ne saaf inkaar kar diya tha.. use apni beti ki shaadi ki fikr thi.. ye sab dekh kar Guru apne aap ko bilkul mayuus aur laachaar paata.. use lagta ki wo apni maa ke lliye itna bhi nahi kar sakta.. wo na jaane kitna tarapti hogi.. ise kya khabar.. aur ye hai ki uske sahi ilaaj ka bandobast bhi nahi kar paa raha tha.. Kya wo sach me kisi bhi laayak nahi tha??


Tring, Tring…… Tring, Tring..

…phone ki ghanTi baji.. Gurmez apne khayaalon ki dunya se lauTa aur fauran jawaab diya..

”Hello..??”

“Kya Guru!.. Kitni der laga di phone uthaane me!” Yousuf chilla raha tha..

”Oye!.. Sirf do hi to ghantiyaan baji!” Guru ne bigaR kar kaha.. Ye Yousuf bhi kabhi kabhi hadh kar deta hai!

Are teri is do ghanTi ke chakkar me meri Madhuri do feet aur paani me chali gayi hai yaar!”

“Kya????” Guru ne jhhat se kaha.

Yousuf ki bike raaste me kharaab ho gayi thi.. Kisi Parsi aadmi ki chaheeti bike thi wo.. baRe pyaar se uske pehle maalik ne use sajaaya tha.. naye se naye fitting the usme.. chhoti se chhoti baat par use mechanic ke paas le jaata.. uski dekh rekh me koi kami nahi hone deta.. Pyaar se us Parsi ne bike ka naam Madhuri rakha tha… Yousuf ke haath me aakar wo Madhuri se Lalita Pawar ho gayi thi.

Ab tu jaldi kar!!

Gurmez ne jaldi se apni chhatri uthaii aur ghar se nikal paRa.. baahar ka mausam to aur bhi bigaR gaya tha.. Raaste par ab gaaRiyaan kum nazar aa rahi thi.. Log bhi kum ho gaye the.. aur bachche bhi apni masti bhool kar shayad ghar chale gaye the.. Aise mausam me waise chhatri lekar koi fayda nahi hota.. Gurmez ye jaanta tha.. magar phir bhi, chhatri ke bina bearish me jaana bewakuufi ka kaam lagta tha.. Filhal uski shirt bheeg chuki thi aur wo bhi kaanp raha tha.. Do teen taxiyaan uske paas se guzri.. Gurmez unhe rokne ke liye aage baRa.. Taxi to nahi ruki, lekin Gurmez puura naha gaya..

Mausan sard tha, magar Gurmez ka paara chaRta jaa raha tha.. Madhuri ko bhi abhi kharaab hona tha!.. Gurmez apni gali se nikal kar main road ki taraf baRne laga.. shayad wahaan koi taxiwala mil jaaye jo is mausam me bhi kaam kar raha ho.. Wo khud par han paRa, use samajhh nahi aa raha tha ki wo is khayaal ko umeed bhara kahe ya khud ko bewakuf. ‘ Yousuf khud taxi karke nahi aa sakta kya??’ Usne khud se sawaal kiya.. aur phir hi uske jawaab bhi de diya… ‘Koi bewakuf hi Madhuri ko raaste par chhod kar aayega! Tujhh jaisa bewakuf!’.. Gurmez aur tez chalne laga…

Chalte chalte achaanak uske payr me koi cheez aayi, aur Gurmez laRkhadaaya.. Girte girte bacha.. muR kar dekha ko wo cheez kya thi.

Pehle use kuchh theek se dikha nahi.. Kya kisi ne raaste par koi goni chhod di hai??.. Mumbai me to ye hone se raha.. Phir Gurmez ne use ghaur se dekha.. aur ek ek kadam se uske kareeb gaya.. achaanak wo goni khans paRi.. Gurmez chaunk gaya.. Wo goni nahi, ek aurat thi..

Phate hue se kapDoN me se dhoop se jale haath dikh rahe the.. Siraj ki kirno me sikuR gaye the magar phir bhi umr ki lakeerein zyada gehri nazar aa rahi thi.. footpath par, ek jhhar ke neeche batithi, wo baarish me bheeg gayi thi… jaise aasmaan se baraste paani se bachne ki use koi chaah na ho.. ya shayad phir himmat na ho…. Sharm se gurmez ne apni chhatri bandh kar di..

Maii.. Guru ne dheere se kaha, jaise agar zor se kaha to kahin wo aurat toot na jaaye..

Magar wo to bilkul bhi nahi hili.. budh ki tarah baithi rahi.. Guru aur kareeb gaya.. ahiste se uske kaandhe par haath rakh kar, zara aur zor se kaha..

Maii..?

Wo aurat ne achaanak gehri saans li.. jaise koi marte marte achaanak jeevit ho jaata hai… dheere se usne apna chehra Guru ki taraf kiya.. aur adhkhuli aankhon se use dekhne lagi.. bina kuchh kahe.. Guru ko ghabraahat si hone lagi.. Usne ghareeb buRiya ko jagaa to diya.. magar ab soojhh nahi raha tha ki kya kahe..

Maii.. Baarish ho rahi hai.. Usne kaha, phir jee chaaha ki khud ko do joote maare.. ‘Obviously yaar!! Use itni khabar to hogi hi..’

BuRiya ab bhi use taak rahi thi.. uski palein jhhapak nahi rahi thi.. bas, dekh rahi thi, bujhi bujhi nazron se.. Gurmez ki ghabraahat baRne lagi.. Kyu khaamakha wo yahaan aaya, kyu usne is buRiya ko jagaaya.. kyu??.. Phr achaanak use Yousuf ka khayaal aaya.. wo is waqt kahi Madhuri ke saath baarish me bheeg raha hoga.. Khayaal bura nahi tha.

Guru ne aas paas nazar pheri.. khuchh duuri par ek dhaaba tha.. Guru wahaan kaam karne waale ko jaanta tha.. usne faisla kiya aur fauran buRiya ko uthaane ki koshish ki.. Pata nahi use khaana kitne dino me naseeb hota hoga, magar wo itni halki thi, ki Guru ko use Dhaabe tak lejaane me koi mushkil nahi hui.. Shayad buRiya se zyada wazan uske bheege hue kapDon ka tha.. dhaabe par pohonchte hi usne use ek lakRe ki kursi par bitha diya..

Oye Puru! Usne dhaabe ke maalik, Parmeet, ko awaaz di..Do pyaala chaye aur kuchh pakoRe to laana!

Guru ko nahi pata tha ki is waqt buuRi aurat ko kitni bhook lagi hogi.. magar usne kahin paRa tha ki kaii dino ke bhooke insaan ko zyada khaana nahi khilaana chaahiye… ye filhal uske liye mushkil ho raha tha, buRiya ko dekh uska man to keh raha tha ki use itna khaana khila do ki much hafton tak use bhook hi na lage.. pata nahi kyu.. kuchh der ke liye us aurat me guru ko apni maa ki chhavi nazar aayi.. Guru kaaNp gaya, aur chhavi ghul gayi..

Oye ye tu kise uTHa laaya hai?? Parmeet ne unke taraf aate hue kaha.. Phir buRiya ko dekh kar kaha.., Ye wahi maa ji hain jo roz jhhaR ke neeche baiTHti hai??

Roz ka to nahi pata.. Guru ne kaha.. Lekin aaj wahaan zaroor baithi thi.. Usne garam chai ka pyaala aurat ke saamne rakh diya.. magar wo phir bhi gurmez ko hi dekh rahi thi.. naa hi chai ki taraf haath baRaaya, naa hi khaane ki taraf naraz ghumaaii.. bas, Guru ko hi dekhti rahi.. Guru phir se kaaNp gaya..

Tujhhe pata hai ye kahaan rehti hai?? Usne parmeet se poochha..

Pata nahi yaar.. Parmeet ne kaha.. Kuchh hafte pehle hi ye yahaan aayi hai.. ek subah usi jhhaaD ke neeche baithi hui mili.. Log kehte hain ki uske ghar waale use yahaan chhod gaye…

KYA????? Guru ko yakeen nahi ho raha tha ki koi aulaad aisa bhi kar sakti hai..

Haan.. Parmeet ne kaha.. buRi maa bojhh lagne lagi hogi, aur kya.. bas, kahiN jaakar phaink diya.. Mumbai me bhikaariyon ki waise bhi kami kahaan hai.. police waale chaahein bhi to kaise dhoondhein?.. Ki doosre sheher.. ya gaNv se aaye honge.. chhod gaye honge ise yahaan, koi na koi to khaane peene ka khayaal rakh hi lega..

Parmeet ye keh kar phir se andar chala gaya.. Magar Guru ki aankhein us buRiya par Tiki hui thi.. wo ab bhi use dekh rahi thi.. Uska beta kareeban Guru ki umr ka hi hoga.. Jis bachche ko usne janam diya. Jise paal pos kar bara kiya.. usi ne use yahaan marne ke liye chhod diya.. kya beeti hogi us maa ke dil par..

Bina soche Guru ne chai ka pyaala apne haathon me liya, aur khud ghareeb buRiya ko pilaane laga.. Ek ghoonTH peene ke baad, uski aankho me kahin zindagi dikhi.. wo ab bhi Guru ko dekh rahi thi, magar na jaane dil ki kis gehraai se uski aankhon me paani bharne laga.. Guru us maa ki nazar se nazar haTa nahi paa raha tha..

Guru ko dekhte hue hi, baRi himmat karke, wo buRiya khaRi hui.. uske sar par haath rakha aur TooTti awaaz me kaha..

Tumhaari maa kismatwaali hai beta.. aur uske honth kuchh hile.. shayad muskaan thi wo..

Bas, itna keh kar, wo dheere dheere, waapas jaane lagi.. aur usi jhhaR ke neeche jaa kar baith gayi. Guru wahin ke wahin khada reh gaya..

----------------------------------

ABE KITNI DER LAGA DI TUNE!!! Yousuf ne cheekh kar kaha.. wo puuri tarah se bheeg gaya tha.. kaaNp raha tha.. Madhuri bhi bheeg gayi thi.. agar asli Madhuri hoti, to kya baat thi!

Ye soch kar, Guru muskuraate hue apne dost ki taraf bara.. ek taci waale ne us par rehem khaa kar aane ke liye tayyar ho gaya.. Teeno ne milkar Madhuri ko taxi ke upar saamaan rakhne waali grill par chaRaaya, aur use rassi se achhi tarah baandh diya.. Yousuf ko darr lag raha tha ki kahin uski madhuri gir nahi jaaye, Aur taxi driver ko darr lag raha tha ki kahi uski Urmila ki chat toot nahi jaaye.. iske liye Yousuf ne use dugne paise diye.

Waapsi ke safar me Yousuf kuchh baRbaRa raha tha.. ki kaise insaaniyat mumbai chhod gayi hai.. kaise bearish ki uske aapsi dushmani hai, waghaira waghaira.. magar Guru ke zehen me bas ek hi baat ghoom rahi thi ‘ Tumhari maa kismat waali hai beta..’ us buRiya ki kahi us baat ne Guru ka naraziya hi badal diya tha.. shayad wo ab bhi kisi laayak tha..

__________________________________________________ __

[meena chheda]

bannooo,
lajawaab......... dhadkan maano rook si gayi padhhte wakt.........
ek sathh jakad kar rakha sari kahani ne..... guru ke paas jo laaykaat thhi woh kisi laaykaat se kam nahi thhi...... sab se ooper thhi.
good work

[Afshan]

Hi Meena!

Chalo, tumhe pasand aaya, bohat achha laga.. lekin ye bhi bataati jao ki is kahaani me kya kami hai.. likhne me koi ghalati hui hai kya?? ise kaise behtar likha jaa sakta hai.. Zara koi sujhaav do, taaki humaari agli kahaani isse kuchh behtar ho..

[meena chheda]

Originally posted by Banno
Hi Meena!

Chalo, tumhe pasand aaya, bohat achha laga.. lekin ye bhi bataati jao ki is kahaani me kya kami hai.. likhne me koi ghalati hui hai kya?? ise kaise behtar likha jaa sakta hai.. Zara koi sujhaav do, taaki humaari agli kahaani isse kuchh behtar ho..

hi banno,
ab galtiya karo to bataauna..... khair fir bhi...........
kahaniya ki 2 khubi jo ooski jaan hoti hai....
[1] - varnan- aaspaas ka, jagah ka, wakt ka, maahoul ka.... varanan, kahani ki saans hota hai. jo tumne bekhubi nibhaya hai.
[2] sanvaad - kahaniyo maie aap jitne aapas ke sanvaad daal sako.... yaane, aamne saamne hoti rahti baato ka istemaal kar sako to kahani jyada padhhne laayak aur rochak banti hai... saral banti hai... vachak ka ras pakad ke rakhte hai yah sanvaad... aur sanvaad hi kahani ka vajood badhhane ka sahi tarika hai.
haalanki maie kahani jaroor likhti hu par in dono jaan ki meri kahaniyo maie aksar kami rah jaati hai. jise muje hatana hai. tumhari kahani maie yah dono baate maujood hai... fir bhi pahlaey 7 paregraff tak lagbhag varanan hi hai.... sanvaad nahi aa paaye... aur oos ke baad tumhari kahani maie jaan aisi aa gayi ke bhale kahani dhhere chali par vachak ooske sathh kab chal pada woh khud hi n tay kar paaya... aur tab guru ki laaykaat mahek oothhi vachak ke maan maie.
suraat ka varnan jaroori hote huae bhi thhoda lamba laga. dhheraj khutne lagti thhi kahi n kahi... thhoda arasik sa ban hi raha thha ke tumhari kalam ne fir oose jakad liya aur ban gayi ek achhi si kahani.
yah mera nazariaa raha... koi bhul ho to maafi chahungi.
tumhari dost meena.

[Afshan]

You know something.. you are right!

Kahaani ke pehle hisse me environment hai to dialogue nahi.. aur doosre hisse me dialogue hai to environment nahi.. ab pata chala ki kami kya thi.. agar puuri kahaani me in dono baaton ka balance hota to beech beech me (aur khaaskar shuru me) jo narrative slow ho jaata hai, wo na ho.. shayad humaari 'short' stories kuchh lambi hoti hai..LOL.. kya karein.. bohat bolnien ki aadat hai, isi liye shayad aisa ho jaata hai.. aage se koshish karenge ki kahaani ko short and sweet rakhein..Thanks a lot meena!.. ab agli kahaani me ye sab baatein dhyaan me rakhenge..

[meena chheda]

Originally posted by Banno
You know something.. you are right!

Kahaani ke pehle hisse me environment hai to dialogue nahi.. aur doosre hisse me dialogue hai to environment nahi.. ab pata chala ki kami kya thi.. agar puuri kahaani me in dono baaton ka balance hota to beech beech me (aur khaaskar shuru me) jo narrative slow ho jaata hai, wo na ho.. shayad humaari 'short' stories kuchh lambi hoti hai..LOL.. kya karein.. bohat bolnien ki aadat hai, isi liye shayad aisa ho jaata hai.. aage se koshish karenge ki kahaani ko short and sweet rakhein..Thanks a lot meena!.. ab agli kahaani me ye sab baatein dhyaan me rakhenge..

na banno,
kahani ko short n karna... balke short kahani ki jo lambaai hoti hai aksar, woh tumhari kahani maie muje sahi nazar aayi... jo meri kahaniyo maie varnan ke abhaaw se kam ho jaati hai... so lambaai yahi rakhte dono ka balence karne ka sahi upaay karna. baate jyada kar paati ho tabhi to kahani ka haard [ kahani ka dil]ban paati ho. lol
khush raho.

[Afshan]

LOL..ok ok.. lambai kum nahi karenge.. balance par concentrate karenge.. apni agli kahaani me.. amagar isme zara waqt lagega.. filhal lafzon ka quota khaali para hai..

[Mayank]

Afshan Ji,
Aapp ki likhi huii kahaani achhi lagi. Humeshaa aise hi likhti rahiye.
Daad Kabul kijiyegaa.
Take care, Bye
Mayank

[Afshan]

Raahi saahab,

Janaab.. aap khud itna achha likhte ho.. agar aapko ye kahaani pasand aayi, to isme kuchh to baat hogi.. tareef aur hausla afzai ke liye tahe dil se shukria!